3 Warning Signs for the Expat Couple

What to watch out for if one of you has a high-powered job

Relationships are challenging enough, and as an expat couple there are additional demands you have to manage. Watch out for these three warning signs if you are in a relationship where the expat on assignment has a heavy load of responsibility.

These red flags will help you see trouble creeping up in your own relationship and get ideas on what each of you can do to prevent problems down the road.

The themes presented in this article are meant as a starting point, and are based on responses from experienced expat spouses in an online group, an in-depth interview, and something nerdy academics (like me) call participant observation. While the individuals vary greatly in terms of geographic location, professional background and percentage they work while abroad; there is a heavy overlap in their responses about the things that really disrupt their relationship and family life.

Reality Check

Alex (the expat on assignment*) works long hours, travels frequently, comes home stressed from the unpredictable day´s events, and often has to make last-minute changes to weekend or vacation plans. Alex is working his tail off but feels unappreciated when he is at home. Meanwhile, Kay (the accompanying partner) is also managing multiple fronts, including taking care of the home logistics in a place where things break on a weekly basis, managing household staff in a foreign language, dropping off and picking up the kids from school, and trying to keep her career alive by working a roller coaster freelance schedule. Things were fine between her and Alex before they moved, but now he´s changed and things feel distant. She is starting to resent her husband and his job.

This demanding and somewhat unrewarding routine was all in service of Alex and Kay´s dream to live abroad and meet their needs professionally and financially. Working in a foreign land sounded adventurous to Alex and Kay in the beginning but after a while the reality of the challenges started to sink in. Alex and Kay didn´t see relationship turbulence coming on, but by paying attention to the signs and taking action, you and your partner can get on with enjoying your lives together.

Warning Sign Nr. 1: Attached to the phone

You can already imagine what I am talking about: constant phone calls in the evening and on weekends, or late night calls even after a long day at work. In the moment, these “quick” calls seem harmless, but they can take a toll on the family:

“My spouse takes days off for family time then checks emails or takes calls regardless.”
“The only way we could get my husband off the phone during a break was to get him in the water. Have they invented waterproof mobiles yet? I hope not!”

For the couple

• Sit down together and come to an agreement on no-device times in the home (mealtimes, bedtime story, etc.). Make sure you identify a “home” for the devices so it is easier to resist temptation.
• Don´t make it “This has to be forever!” Instead, experiment with blocking off two specific times for three weeks and then revisit the progress at the end.
• Set playful but high stakes if the “no-device” times are broken, such as forcing your partner to watch a movie with you that falls within your favorite movie genre. You may even want to come up with a reward if the times are honored, just to spice things up a bit.

As one expat spouse said, “If there is always an emergency, there is no emergency.”

Keep in mind that if you don’t keep boundaries between your work and private life to a reasonable extent, then you may face a real relationship emergency down the road.

Warning Sign Nr. 2: “Assistant Bleed” at Home

For some expats to be successful in their assignment abroad, they have to adapt their communication and leadership style to the local context. This may include adopting a more direct communication style or delegating approach. This can be effective at work but become problematic if this new approach seeps into the home. Here is what one expat spouse said to her partner after she had had enough, “I am not your assistant. I am not your secretary. I am the mother of your kids. I am your wife.”

If you are the expat on assignment

• Create a 10-minute “transition” routine. Before being bombarded by your spouse or kids, shake off that crazy workday. I know you´ve been away all day, but those ten minutes of “me time” will pay off for the whole family.
• Share your transition plan with your partner. What has to change to make that happen? Try it for two weeks and discuss what worked.
• If your partner does not keep the boundaries you´ve agreed upon, try something like this: “Honey, I don’t want to ignore you or isolate you, but I need just a few minutes to recharge. Give me 10 minutes and then I will be a much more enjoyable person to be around.”

If you are the expat spouse

• Remember that you teach people how to treat you. So, make a request for how you want to be spoken to. However (*cough-cough*) this has to be done in a tone that is grounded and calm. You can´t yell, “Stop shouting at me!” and expect a good response.
• Try taking a deep breath and then something like this, “By the tone of your voice, I´m guessing you had a stressful day. I´m sorry, that´s really crappy for you. At the same time, it is important to me that you speak to me in a different tone.”

The first few moments when you are together as a couple or family at the end of the workday set the tone for the rest of the evening. Use these moments wisely.

Warning Sign Nr. 3: Unhealthy Dominance of One Job

This is what one expat spouse wishes she could say to her partner:

Just because you are working hard doesn´t give you permission to avoid making any decisions at home or get out of looking for a solution for the family-related things. You´re still a spouse and a parent. And these are different jobs. You are not on holidays when you come home.

This is a tough one. If you are the exhausted partner on assignment, you may be thinking, “I am at my limit already! How can I be doing more?!”

If you are the expat on assignment

Don´t lose sight of what you are working for. You are a leader, possibly a parent and a partner. You are also an individual. Consider these questions.

• Are you failing to set boundaries at work in ways that affect your home life?
• Are you managing your personal life as well as you manage your business?
• Are you doing your best to identify your needs and how to get them met?

If you are the expat spouse

It is time to take inventory.

• List the multiple roles you play (e.g. supportive partner, parent, part-time consultant, volunteer, etc.). Where are things “off”?
• Who is responsible for your happiness? If the answer is anything but the words “I am”, you may need to have a serious look at how you are showing up in your life to create happiness.
• Are you doing your best to identify your needs and how to get them met?

Failing to take full ownership for your personal happiness and stress management puts the assignment, your happiness and your relationship at risk.

If you are feeling stuck or looking for a push in the right direction, contact me. I want you and your partner to live well, succeed across cultures and keep your sense of adventure.

 

 

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* In this example, Alex (the expat on assignment) is a man and Kay (the accompanying partner) is a woman to reflect the global majority of this role split at present. This in no way is meant to ignore the welcome progress we are seeing in the increase of women on expatriate assignments, numbers of male trailing spouses, or LGBT expat couples.