Dear Sweetheart,
I am writing you this letter because I want us to have an amazing future together. But for that to happen, there are a few things I have been keeping from you that I need to get off my chest.
What you are about to read is an outpouring of all of the things I´ve been wanting to say, but have been too afraid. Please understand nothing I say here is meant as an attack on you. This is not an accusation that you’ve been doing anything wrong. This is me sharing with you a glimpse of my world, a piece of my experience from moving abroad to be with you. This is me being transparent with you about what goes on in my head and my heart that I don´t always let you in on.
Maybe it is the red wine I am sipping while I write this, but I´m ready to break through the fear because I know in my heart that holding it in is no way to create a future together. *deep breath* Here it goes.
I will never forget what I have given up to be with you.
No matter how lovely it is in your home country, nor how much I gain from living abroad – I have experienced loss.
I have given up living and working in my native language. I have left loved ones behind to celebrate birthday parties and anniversaries without me. I have moved from a place where I knew how to be polite in almost any given situation. I have stepped away from the career path I worked so hard to start. I´ve left a home where my common knowledge was common.
This is not your fault, nor is it all bad. I just need you to remember that despite the benefits of living in your country, in your culture, or following your career, I have experienced inevitable loss.
I have given of myself to be with you.
By saying “yes” to living in your country, I also (un)consciously agreed to vulnerability, awkwardness, and an intense process of new learning.
I have spent countless hours sitting in cafes trying to learn a foreign language, when I would have rather been out jogging or hanging out with friends.
I dropped my career momentum just to be with you, and now invest immense energy trying to reinvent myself.
I am giving my all to fit into your world, without losing myself. (Tweet this!)
This can be exhausting. I know it. You know it. So as the years pass and we adjust to this new life together, please keep in mind that while we are living in “your” country, equal footing is an illusion. We started in totally different playing fields. Know that I am working my tail off to make it work, and this means sacrifice.
The good news is that I haven´t packed my bags and moved away because you are worth it. We are worth it.
I see what you do for me.
I know that you get tired of being my language and cultural translator. I know it´s hard to remind your friends that I don´t yet fully understand the local language when we are at a party. I know it´s annoying when you are swamped with work, and I ask you to call and make my dentist appointment. I know that it feels horrible when I collapse in your arms sobbing about what a shitty day I had. But I feel the sincerity in your hug. I feel you rubbing my back and saying, “Oh, honey. I am so sorry.” And I know that deep down, you may be feeling like you are responsible for my suffering. But you´re not.
My unhappiness is not about you, it is about me.
I know it feels like a personal insult when I complain about the local culture. I know it´s hard for you to see me cry. When I get really honest with myself, it isn´t really about the bartender who doesn´t understand me when I simply try to order a beer in your language. It´s much more about me feeling frustrated by how hard this gets. This is me in a moment of exhaustion from continuously adapting. I really hate to admit it, but it is less about the country itself and more about my journey adapting to the ups and downs of life abroad. This is me going through the hard process to adjusting to a place that doesn´t seem to quite fit my values and preferences. This is me venting. This is me feeling challenged. But this is also me growing. And that is a good thing.
And honey, this is not to say that we don´t have issues. There are always areas within our relationship where you or I could do more, but I´ll save that for another letter! However, the fact that I´m on the bumpy road of making the best of this life abroad, I own that.
This is what I need from you.
I need you to accept your own journey of adapting to another culture in your home, in your life. You are adapting to me, my family culture, my gender, and my national culture. I want you to get clear about what ups and downs in your own journey are about you.
I need empathy. I want you to remember when we come home after a dinner with your family on Sunday night, I might lay awake wondering if I’ll regret having spent so much time away from my childhood friends and close family.
I need your support. When I am struggling, I don’t want unsolicited solutions. I want you to
ask, “Is there something right now that I could do to help?” And then listen to the answer. I know you want to be my hero and save me from this struggle. But you can´t, remember? This is my journey. I know I have to do this on my own, but I don´t want to do it alone.
I want you by my side.
And I need a hug.
This is what I want for us.
We will commit to remembering our spark. We will refuse to lose sight of why we said, “I do.” We will dig deep to remember that initial curiosity about each other. No matter how deep our sense of passion and love is buried under foreign language diplomas, nights curled up sobbing in the fetal position, or the stress from trying to make it all work, we will find it.
This is my promise to you.
I will remind you how much I love you, even when times are tough. I will tell you when I miss “us”. I will work hard to bring the good stuff back to the surface. I will work hard to keep focused on what is great about us, about this country, about your culture.
I will not lose sight of the fact that together we are alchemy. Together we are something special.
No matter how much I protest, I will try to remember that this was my choice. I am not a victim. I will try to see myself as a hero(ine) smack dab in the throes of an intense learning process. I will open myself to the possibility that when I feel stress, I may actually be adapting and growing. I trust that I am becoming stronger because of it.
And when times get tough, I want to find a solution so it works for us.
We are partners, and we are doing this together. And it is so worth it.
With all my love,
Your sweetheart
One important caveat about this love letter
The spirit of this letter is meant to capture the challenges many individuals go through when they leave their home culture, move abroad and settle in the home country of their partner. Its intention is to start a dialogue about these experiences. The letter obviously does not nor cannot represent every “international” couple, nor can it represent everyone´s experience. The letter gives voice to some of the many challenges I have witnessed through over 15 years of research, personal experience, participant observation, and client work with individuals in binational partnerships.
If you are on your own bumpy journey to adapting to life abroad and would love to turn things around for the better, learn how here.
Here´s to making the most of life abroad.
p.s. If you are new to www.sundaebean.com, make sure you don’t miss my guide 5 Things You Are Going to Do Wrong While Living Abroad and get ongoing simple solutions for thriving abroad for FREE.
This letter had me in tears. It’s spot on! I deeply appreciate the tenderness and vulnerability of it but also the solidarity and the optimism. Thank you, Sundae!
Hey Sereti! Thank you for taking the time to share here. I am glad it moved you – because I really believe it touches on the experience of so many who make the big move abroad to be with the one othey love. My hope is that it creates dialogue at home about what speaks to their experience, and what is missing, what they would add, etc. And OF COURSE be on the listening end as well to the one who brought them there.
Grab the kleenex! I agree, spot on and a great reminder how we can communicate these things to ourselves and our partners. Thank you!
Thank you Robyn! One of the most important things that can happen for people is to be understood.
Beautifully written, Sundae! In my work as a family resilience coach, I see so many of these emotions and struggles played out within relationships around the world. It takes tenderness, commitment, understanding, good communication skills, honesty, and the unwavering truth that the one that looses so much will gain back and the couple and family will be stronger as a result. Never easy to go through as a couple. And when there’s a move abroad, or several, in the pursuing years, it can compound the feelings of loss and fragmentation. Again, a tender and honest expression of what is so often not ever expressed, except through bitterness or attack!
Thank you Becky – you said it, when not expressed it builds up and eventually comes out through resentment or in a misdirected attack. That is why I shared this here so others can start a conversation about what they are going through. So many people I have spoken to said this is how they have been feeling but never managed to put it in words. So sharing this letter is one way to open up the lines of communication.
Thank you for putting in to words what I couldn’t. I love my husband, and love my ‘adopted’ country (Finland), but I can’t help but feel like such a fish out of water. I am having a difficult time with the language, and that frustrates me. At my age, learning a new language is really hard (at least for me). I miss my daughters and the rest of my family. However, I love the new experiences that I can share with them.
Now we’re in France for a year, and he gets to experience a little of my own feeling isolated, language-wise. :/ He has his work…I guess I will have my retail therapy! 🙂
Hi Michele – what a beautiful picture! I am so happy that you saw yourself in it. Believe me, I understand how frustrating things can be when learning a language. I know learning a new language is hard – so maybe you can find a few creative ways to make it more fun (with fellow classmates, through interesting media, or by bribing yourself with retail therapy after you passed a diploma!). Do keep in touch about your adventure!
Wow, you really hit this nail on the head! For me, it was all of the above, AND never being received positively to my many many many job applications. I lost everything . . career as an attorney down the tubes. So not sure that you got the emphasis right for me in terms of how much I lost, and, what it has felt like to go from very very indendent head of household (single mom) to someone who, after ten years of this, developed a slight hatred for the new country to which she is not free to leave. Hence my advice, if you move to another country where your partner is a national and you are not, check the laws regarding establishment of permanent residency and whether this country has a negative attitude toward any immigrants, and make sure you have your own money set aside somewhere so that you feel you can leave if things don’t work out for you. Don’t do what I did and dump your pension into a home in the new country (and, if you do, make sure your name is on the title!) only to be discriminated against in terms of jobs, reducing economic freedom, then locked into a real estate market far worse than the U.S. experienced in that houses are still on the market after literally thoughsands of days on, and where anti-immigrant lawmakers have changed laws and applied them retroactively to cancel contracts by which security would have been obtained but later, could not, due to a new requirement of full/time work. This country has had NO statistics to support its prophetic lawmaking, which, where it takes away rights it actually gave under the title of “contract” which people like myself were required to sign and jump through hoops . . . .actually constitutes Bad Faith if it were read under U.S. legal principals.
But anyway, last point, if you do plan to move abroad in an unequal situation (where one partner is a national and you are not), I strongly advise you not to do it if you are in or past your middle 40s because, as in my case, you may lose everything and ten years later, there will only be another reason to discriminate against you – age. Oh, and get a pre-nup agreement if at all possible, as well as an agreement that in the event of any divorce or separation, and without regard to the new nations potentially conflicting laws, YOU will have sole custory for purposes of deciding your child and chilren(s) residences.
lI will never recover from what I consider to have been the biggest mistake in my life, but as always, I can learn to deal with it and take each day as a new one. Just don’t underestimate the toll you might pay for your decision to move – and make sure that the person you are moving with or for is actually, and literally, going to provide those hugs and support that Sundae mentioned.
(This is not intended to provide legal advice. Every situation differs and anyone reading this should take it for what it is, and nothing more, a comment from someone who has been there and done that. If you are making important decisions, the advice I WILL give is to seek out competent, local, legal advice from someone with an ability to research law internationally).
Dear socraticDK – what I am hearing you say is be informed about your decisions and legal rights as you go along. Thank you for sharing what you experienced as a caution for others who may have become complacent in understanding their position legally, financially or professionally.
there should be a disclaimer, tissues needed! kidding aside, thank you for putting to words what I often feel (and this is me living in the Netherlands for almost 8 years now!). it’s painful to acknowledge the grief but yes it is there along with the frustration and the confusion of how to reinvent one’s life.
Lana – yes, on the disclaimer! I was not ready for the amount of people who would write and say that this made them cry. #didnotseethatcoming Here is what I believe based on my experience as a coach: when you allow yourself to “feel your feelings” they can move through you, making room for new emotions. So my hope for you, and for the thousands and thousands of people who read this article, that there is a collective sigh of relief and purging of these emotions of grief, frustration and loss – so room for healing is created and an openness is made for the inspiration and creativity that is necessary when reinventing one´s life. Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective here, it means a lot to me!
Hi all. Yes, this had me in tears. But mainly because – I’ve just deceided to move back to my home country, UK, after 2 years in the Netherlands with my dutch boyfriend. He is the most amazing, beautiful man : but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to see my familys life go by in the distance, I’m bored of feeling like an outsider, slightly stupid cos I can’t speak dutch, and frankly I just cannot connect to the culture emotionally. I’m scared of moving back – will it be the same, will I be dissapointed, bored… I’m fearful, but I can’t let my self doubt scare me away from going back home – and splitting up with my boyfriend. So, if this was written without the ‘we are worth it’ thing… because not one person, no matter how amazing, can replace the rest of the sacrifice, in my opinion. If anyone would like to give me advice… I would love some, please! Thank you so much for writing this, it really encapsulated all of it.
I hear you, Lia. I have been there, too. Hell, I AM there in many ways. Let me know if you’d like to chat.
Hi Lia – Moving abroad and adapting to a new culture is not for the faint of heart. I know that the first 4 years in Switzerland were also quite challenging. I am hearing from you that what you want is 1) to spend lots of time with your family, 2) feel part of a community that “gets” you, and 3) connect with people in meaningful ways, tell me where I am wrong. This may be answered by moving back – but likewise, these needs could potentially be met with time in the Netherlands. At the end of the day, you have to know deep down what is right for you (even if it doesn´t make sense to anyone else). Do reach out if you want to jump on the phone quick to gain a little clarity specifically with what is causing you the most stress right now. I´d be happy to support.
Hey. Thanks for this, and you really summarized it nicely there! Nice to see when you can’t see the ‘wood for the trees’. But I feel my decision has already been made, I’m just picking up the courage. Thank you again for writing this incredible letter, it obviously has said something alot of us have been trying to say! Love xxx
Lia – if you are making a decision from a place of “this is what I know” versus “this is what I *should* do” or “this is what they say I should do” you can´t go wrong. We always make the best decision based on where we are. In hindsight whether they are “good” or “bad” seem to emerge – but all you can do right now is know what feels right for you. Make sure you take the next steps coming from a place of “this feels true to me” and you wil do well.
Thank you so much!!! This has helped me so much. 🙂 xxx
It´s my pleasure. Do stay in touch.
Hello! I am from the netherlands and have a boyfriend from spain. It breaks my heart to read your story. My best friend is dating an english guy. We both still live in our own country. But i am thinking to move to spain for a couple of years and after my boyfriend finished his study decide what we do. I can imagine that it is hard to live in the netherlands. Dutch people can be rude, to honest and cold. One of the reason i fell in love with my boyfriend is because he has latin blood and is really lovely. I don’t know if i can help you. But if you need some emotional support replay and i can see what i can do. You are not alone in this world. I wish you a lot of wisedom!!
Hugs lisa
I live in Hengelo..(Overijssel) a Dutch friend told me when I moved here that the people can be very stand-offish. Sadly, it is true. I have lived here for nearly 29 years, and GOD, I miss England. Lived in Germany too, for six years, and frankly, much prefer the Germans.
Strong message there! Sometimes i find it hard to tell the difference between my experience of the dutch, and my experience of being a ‘foreigner’. If you’ve lived in multiple countries i guess its easier to tell. Yeah, I’m reaaallllly swaying that way… X
Know that there are people that “jive” with us, and people that don´t no matter where you are on the planet. There is never a (insert nationality) that applies to each individual´s complexity. Regardless of your decision, make a committment to seek out people that make you come alive and do what feels fun, grounding or freeing – no matter where you are.
Hey Lisa, thanks for your response. One good thing about you going to
Spain, is that you would both then understand the pressure of living in
the others country, and as he has just been in yours, he should be able
to assist you + emphasize alot – something you can only truly do if
you’ve been in the situation, in my opinion, and in my case, my
boyfriend has never lived abroad. Another idea is to move somewhere
entirely different.
It is difficult, I can’t lie. Just be realistic
with yourself and consider it to be an experience, and god knows you
will learn a ton about yourself. Even though I’m really torn at the
minute… I would never say I ‘regret’ coming to live in another country
: theres been some amazing moments + I’ve learnt so much + become loads
stronger. Just accept that it may not be forever, and unlike ‘normal’
relationships, where you would break up because of an unresolving issue
between you both, the geography can also become an element. I would
suggest that you say to yourself ‘stay for a year/two years’: and see
how you feel then. You will only know if you go + try it: and if you
stay longer, then awesome, and if you don’t: then you always knew it
could be the way, it was a strengthening and awesome experiance + you
will always be welcome back home. Good luck babe!!!
Stay in the UK… trust me.
Stay in England. Trust me!!
make sure he goes with you, just for a while. a year or so. nobody can ever understand this problem if you havnt experienced it yourself. especially not Dutch people (so good at travelling, so bad at understanding living anywhere else)
I agree with Petra Beets that going through a similar experience (even if it isn´t as long as yours) will help establish much more empathy – as well as help your partner really “get” more about your family and “home” culture. (Of course, he would have to be open to this idea). These things would pay off in really important ways as you grow old together, and maybe even start a family.
Thank you for the first half of this post, Sundae. It made me realize how much I actually gave up to go to Brazil for 4.5 years with my Brazilian husband. I reached a point where I couldn’t do it anymore, and I chose to return. He has chosen to return with me, and now we are struggling to create the second half of this post – to remember our spark, and to learn how to support each other in this new phase of our journey. It was helpful to see with such clarity exactly where we are right now.
Stephanie – I just got chills up my arms! Thank you for sharing this. Yes – this is a journey and some parts are bumpier than others! Learning how to support each other when times get tough will be essential because in addition to the regular stresses marriage or partnership brings, you have EXTRA stuff (like aging parents on separate continents, raising children with multiple values and languages etc.) All rich opportunities to grow and get really clear on what is most important to you – but not always easy.
This could so be me. I very nearly packed my bags last week and left as I could not handle it anymore. We are currently trying to figure out the second half of the letter.
I forwarded this to my Dutch partner, as although I think he is the most wonderful person, I’m really struggling with the Dutch culture amd language. I’ve been finding it difficult to put into words just how I’m feeling and this summed it up so well. I don’t go to family functions anymore, I try to do things and then fail and then he has to do them for me and I hate myself for that, I feel that I have lost the independence that I used to be so proud of.
I’ve been here nearly 5 years and I’m still finding it hard to adapt to dutch culture. I’m lucky as I am still able to continue my career here, but I don’t know how much longer we will be able to live here.
Sez – thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have really thrown yourself into Dutch culture and the language. You are also working there. I am curious, do you give yourself regular “islands of peace” where you can just sink into the familiar? (I am talking familiar music, food, movies, people who are from your area, etc.). This can often offer a break to the efforts you are making on all fronts. Reach out as well if you want to chat quick about your situation. I am happy to support.
Hi Sez. Check out the comment I left just later than yours… We sound the same! If you wanna vent or talk things through together, we can. It’s not a very common position to find yourself in, most people don’t really relate to this stuff so well, so it’d be good to chat! Let me know anyway, much love x
Wauw! What a story. In a way it makes me scared because my boyfriend is from spain and i am dutch and i know one day we are in this. Our relation is really strong so we are worth it! Like you say. But something i forget how hard it will be.
Thank you for such an interesting post!
Lisa – a strong relationship + a healthy acceptance that ups and downs are part of adapting to another culture / life abroad is a great foundation for sharing this adventure with your main squeeze. 🙂 Thanks for sharing here!
Thank you! You have just put into words how I feel and what I have attempted but completely failed to communicate to my husband and I cried most of the way through this.
I’ve been in the Netherlands for four years now. We have two young children, the first of whom has just started school which surprisingly made me sad that he wont have the same experiences I had. In fact the older they both get the more disappointed I am that our cultural realities don’t align. On the one hand I know their lives are enriched by being TCK but there is nothing quite like that feeling of failure when you have to ask your four year old to translate for your two year old.
I am just attempting to re-establish my career in a virtual capacity. Its hard work and although I don’t blame my husband but I have to admit from time to time feeling a little resentful that he managed to ‘have it all’ while I gave it all up.
At the moment I am struggling with the feeling like I have one foot in each country. We have been away for so long and we have changed so much and so many relationships have faded away. If we go back to my country of origin I have to start all over again.
On the other hand, if we stay here, I somehow have to come to terms that I am going to miss my home for the rest of the my life. And I just don’t know how to do that.
Jade Kooiker I completely get the initial “mourning” of not being able to give your children the same experiences you had as a child. I encourage you to take that sense of longing to share your cultural upbrining with your children and use it to create special moments – no matter where you are. First, get really clear on what you want. What is it, specifically, that you would like them to experience? For example, how can you recreate celebrate special holidays from your childhood right in your own home? What important foods from your childhood can you incorporate into your everyday? What families from your region are also in your city abroad that would appreciate doing “those things” together? This is just a taste of how you can get creative in getting your needs met regardless of geographic location.
And about missing your loved ones, you might want to check this out in case you haven´t seen it already: https://sundaebean.com/2015/10/19/stop-regretting-the-distance-expat-life/
I don’t know what the answer is, and I’m less rooted here than you are, but all I can say is I think I really do understand what you’re saying + we hear you. Please don’t let it impact upon your own self-worth, because remember just how strong you are to have been able to do all this, and whatever you choose to do, try + do it with full commitment, and know that you’re already strong enough for any option : you’ve already proved that to yourself. And maybe show this letter to your husband! Love x
My wife just sent me this link. We live in America, my home country, but she is from Turkey. I’ve been to Turkey twice and spent some time in her family’s city. When she’s visiting Turkey, I see many stresses lifted from her, but surprisingly, I see other stresses come to the surface. I know that so many things are difficult for her in America – especially language and culture. I try to help, but it does get stressful sometimes. At times I forget the struggle she’s going through because my own stresses are occupying me. Your letter is a good reminder to mentally wear her shoes from time to time – and I do, but I’ve got to wear mine too! I don’t, and won’t, regret marrying my wife. But the journey entails difficulties that few around us understand.
Hi Banana_Justice thank you for sharing your side of this important issue. You are right, you have got to wear your shoes as well. Both sides have challenges, and that is why it is so important to take the time to talk about how the ups AND downs of being an international couple impact you, your partner, your children and other family members. When we are aware of what is going on, we are much better able to find creative strategies to make the best of it.
One of the tough ones is knowing when to correct her English. Early on in our marriage I did it a lot, but mostly when it was just the two of us that could hear. Since she’s obviously improved over the years, I’ve backed off greatly. But sometimes she gets frustrated and just blurts out her sentence without much regard to the obvious grammar and pronunciation errors. I know I could correct her, but I also sense her frustration. It’s difficult to know when to step in. In addition, I know correct grammar mostly by instinct. I no longer remember the specifics of the rules that they taught me when I was a child. So when she asks me why I tell her she must use (or must not use) a certain article or other word, I can only say that I just know it’s the correct way. Guess how well that goes over! But on another note, the tables may turn a little bit. She’s always wanted me to learn Turkish, but I was always too busy with work and school. Now I may take some Turkish classes!
So here is my recommendation on the language issue: First, ask her if and when she would like to be corrected and test that out (and *in my opinion* regardless of her answer, never correct her during a fight or emotional situation unless you think it will bring you both into a fit of giggles). Second, separate language learning and your partnership – literally. If she wants to work on her language skills (i.e. take it to the next level, understand the ins and outs of grammar), then she should do that with a language teacher (It just gets too icky otherwise, based on what I have seen in sooo many bi-national couples.) And YES, learn Turkish. She will love that you are making an effort, you will learn insight into her culture, and also the awkwardness one goes through of figuring out how to communicate in a foreign language (if you don´t speak other foreign languages already). So many adventures ahead of you both!
I read the letter, I am from Argentina, my wife, Maja from Slovenia. We have been togheter since 7 years. She left all to live with me in Buenos Aires, and it is still hard and it will be always hard for her, even if she is doing her best. The letter helps me to understand more her situation, even if I try to be in her place and to help, I see that there is always more to learn. I want to thank you Maja for all your love and all the things you have left to be with me, you are stronger tan me even if i look stronger. I am sorry for the times I am not understanding. I love you so so so much, and I will try to be the best partner I could. Te amo con todo mi corazón, TE AMO¡ Paulino
I read the letter, Maja and I are togheter since 7 years, she is from Slovenia and she lives with me at Buenos Aires. Maja I want to thank you for all that you have left, for all the effort you have made and you make every day. You are stronger than me even if you think I am stronger. I hope I will be the best partner better every day for your journey, I am sorry for the times im not understandind like I should be…..-Thank you for loving me in the way you do that you left your family, your friends, your country, all to be beside me. I love you so so much, Te amo con toda mi alma y con todo mi corazón, gracias amor mio… Paulino.
I read the letter, Maja and I are togheter since 7
years, she is from Slovenia and she lives with me at Buenos Aires. Maja
I want to thank you for all that you have left, for all the effort you
have made and you make every day. You are stronger than me even if you think I
am stronger. I hope I will be the best partner better every day for your
journey, I am sorry for the times im not understandind like I should
be…..-Thank you for loving me in the way you do that you left your
family, your friends, your country, all to be beside me. I love you so so
much, Te amo con toda mi alma y con todo mi corazón, gracias amor mio… Paulino
Paulino – Acknowledging that what she has given up, her efforts on a daily basis and her strength is powerful. Understanding is not something that is automatic, so not understanding isn´t something to apologize for, but to work toward. I have a feeling the two of you are on the right track. Thank you for sharing here!
This has really touched me. I live in the states New York to be exact and my boyfriend lives in Paris France and it’s very hard. Some days I’m not sure if it’s worth it and other days I’m ready to pack my bags and leave. It’s hard to know I won’t see my family grow before my eyes but to watch the love of my life walk away is even harder
Shay – I understand how hard this is. The good days are good, and the bad days are bad! One thing I would encourage you to consider is moving away from it is either “a” or “b.” There are creative ways where you can have your family and your partner in your life even when you are on different continents. Do feel free to email me if you want more ideas.