170: Time to Triumph

Hello, it is 8:00 am in New York, 2:00 pm in Johannesburg and 7:00 pm in Bangkok.  Welcome to Expat Happy Hour. This is Sundae Schneider-Bean from www.sundaebean.com. I’m a solution oriented coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations and I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition.

On Friday I shared my battle cry. It is time to make this the best worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

And I mean it. I want you to think about that for a second. What has to happen for you to be able to say that in six months or maybe nine or even a year? What has to happen? If you are listening to this in the time of the COVID-19 crisis, make this the best worst thing that ever happened to you.

It’s an important question and one that can change the trajectory of not only the next six months, but the rest of your life.

Speaking of the COVID-19 crisis. I have a surprise for you. And I’ll say more at the end of this episode about how myself and the Expat Coach Coalition are going to help you all of April no matter what kind of struggles you have, we’ve got someone there to support you along the way.

Or maybe you’re listening to this after the coronavirus drama. Then, yay, humanity survived. But you still might be facing a setback. So I want you to ask yourself. How can you transform the setbacks you’re feeling right now into something worthwhile.

Maybe it’s to really connect with your family in new ways. Or to get into that exercise routine you’ve been aiming for. Or maybe, just maybe finally get your business online earning extra money so you’ve got security in the long run.

So for any given person on any given day, we’ve got real blocks, real things that are hard to get around. Because I’m super committed to supporting you around your mental blocks, because you’ve got enough stuff going on. I don’t want you to be stopped by yourself, by your own excuses. 

So that is why in the last few episodes we’ve been focusing on four common excuses. Excuses I see all the time that are holding you back from running your own business or making more money in your business. Because I think, I don’t know about you, but this crisis I’ve watched shake people up. 

Some of you are wanting a location independent business. One that will work from home. But later will also allow you to travel wherever you are. Some more flexibility. And some of you are realizing that you need to boost your financial viability. That this dollar for our exchange can be dangerous if suddenly people are canceling on you. 

So this is the reason why I’m so invested in sharing these four excuses with you because I’ve seen them in normal times and now they’re even more important in critical times. 

So we’re going to recap the four excuses. 

• We started in Episode 168; Trial By Fire, where we looked at the excuse, “I’m not ready.” 
• In Episode 169; Isolation Zombification, the excuse we talked about was “No one will buy it.” 
• And today we’re going to look at the famous excuse, “I don’t have time.”
• And next week, you’ll learn more about number four, which is, “We don’t need the money.” 

Which some of you are going to be going, “Oh, that’s the opposite.” But I’ll tell you more about that in the next episode. 

So this week’s excuse is “I don’t have time.”

I always tell people that you have the exact same amount of time as Taylor Swift. So you better start thinking about how you’re using your time well. No matter what you’re doing, you probably fall into one of three camps. 

You’re either;

• One working full-time suddenly from home and trying to homeschool.
• Two you are self isolating at home and suddenly find yourself having a ton of time on your hands.
• Or, you’re listening to this after the coronavirus crisis is calmed down and you’re back to your busy life.

Regardless of where you find yourself, I’m hell-bent on having this conversation with you. Because what I’ve seen, no matter which camp you are in, full-time and homeschooling, the ton of time on your hands or back to busy life. What I’ve seen is that “I don’t have time” is actually an excuse that keeps you from the life that you really want to live. 

So in this episode of Expat Happy Hour, I’m going to share with you the ways in which I see “I don’t have time” come up with my clients. And all my clients are people who are working full-time and trying to manage their kids or people who have time on their hands. That the things I’m seeing in my client situations mirror very much the three camps I just mentioned to you.

Okay, so “I don’t have time” is often a mask for “I don’t make me a priority.” So just let that land for a second. Is that true? Does that feel true to you? “I don’t make me a priority.”

There’s some of you who are listening and you’re kind of crunching your shoulders up and putting your hand just a little bit in the air like you’re a kid who wants to answer the question of the teacher but doesn’t dare put their arm all the way up. Then that’s you “I don’t make me a priority.” I see this all the time. 

Here’s some signs that you don’t make you a priority:

• You have a to-do list that is impossible to finish, it’s endless.
• Everything on that list has something to do with your family. 
• You rarely make time for yourself.
• At the end of the day you’re exhausted, but you feel like you’re still behind.
• You go to bed having been busy, but nothing was satisfying. 

If any of those signs feel familiar, then you’re probably using “I don’t have time” for a shield of, “I don’t make me a priority.” 

And I tell you what, when I work with my clients to flip that. It’s incredible the shifts that happen. As soon as people start to make themselves a priority they find time. One of my clients just said to me actually, she’s like, “Sundae, I actually threw away my to do list.” She literally threw it away and she said, “Because the most important things I have to do I don’t need to write down because they’re important and I won’t forget them.” She has now shifted her priorities in a way that she’s running two companies. And her family is fine, they’re perfect. In hindsight, she realized that she was filling her time with all of the things she could do because it was coming actually from a place of earning her keep, rather than serving the needs of her family and making her a priority. And now that she’s making herself a priority, actually everybody in her family is benefiting. Because she’s showing up in ways where she’s much more calm and more satisfied. 

So check in with you. Is that true? Are you hiding “I don’t make me a priority” behind the excuse, “I don’t have time.”

The second mask that “I don’t have time” wears is for, the real reason is “I don’t set boundaries.” So again, let that one sink in. Does that one feel truer to you? “I don’t set boundaries.” Maybe you allow others’ poor planning to become your emergency.

Are you someone who lets everybody else’s projects fill up your day? And by the time you want to get to your things you’re exhausted. If any of those things feel familiar, you should check out Episode 151; Boundaries with Jennie Miller, the author of the book Boundaries. Because that will help you understand what boundaries are and how you can start setting them differently so you can carve out the time for the things that mean the most for you.

I had a client who realized that her excuse, “I don’t have time,” was actually poor boundary setting. And once she started setting different boundaries in her family, she made time for her health, did yoga regularly and she actually opened up a massage studio. So she gained more exercise, better health, it gave her more mental balance throughout her day because of the exercise. And more financial independence to her massage center.

That is how powerful one excuse like “I don’t have time” can be. If you find out what it is masking it can transform your body and your bank account.

Now, another mask that is equally important that “I don’t have time” wears, is for the real thought and belief that, “My family’s needs are more important than mine.”

“My family’s needs are more important than mine.” And nobody would say that out loud. Nobody would say that over coffee or wine with our friends. But you say it with your behavior all the time. How everybody else’s needs, think about that, when you have dinner, who do you ask “What you want for dinner?” Most women that I know ask their kids what they want and then they ask their partner what they want for dinner. And then they make that. They don’t even think about what they want for dinner. It’s symbolic for thinking of everybody else’s needs and not your own. 

How many of you have packed for a trip. Everybody else’s bathing suit is packed except for yours. You think of the family’s needs before you think of your own. It’s a small symptom that that might be going on yours. 

And this is something I might have shared in episodes before but I’ll share it again. And I’ve shared this with my clients. And it tends to be a powerful image that will help you remember that your needs are as important as your family members.

One of my dear girlfriends, as she was struggling with cancer, told me about how she had a hard time seeing the beauty in herself when it was so easy for her to see the beauty everywhere else in the world. And it took her to battle cancer to start to see it differently. And she used an expression that I think is perfect. This idea of seeing your family’s needs as important as your own. When she says it’s floor-to-ceiling wall to wall everything being equal. If your family’s needs are important, are you even standing in that room? Floor to ceiling wall to wall everything being equal. Or when you think about how you meet your family’s needs, are you on the other side of the window with your hands pressed against the glass looking in at the floor to ceiling wall to wall? And in that space the needs are met but you’re on the outside.

If that resonates, then this is your gentle reminder that when you say “I don’t have time.” You might actually be saying that your needs aren’t as important as other members of your family. And what I know from my work with my clients is that once you start making yourself a priority actually everybody benefits. 

I hear things all the time like “Oh my husband said I found the old me again.” Or the kids say “Wow, Mom, why are you in such a great mood?” Or people at parties say “Wow, you look different. You should really must be taking care of yourself.” That it’s something coming from the inside out and others start to notice. Nobody loses here. Actually everybody gains. And that’s the sort of counter productive thing. 

So think about that with, “I don’t have time.” Are you really masking “I don’t make me a priority.” “I don’t set good boundaries.” Or “My family’s needs are more important than mine.”

And that’s okay if that’s what you’re doing that’s okay. This is your gentle wake-up call to look at it differently. Because something is stopping you inside from making the time to do what you really want.

So my invitation to you is to love yourself enough to make you a priority. To be brave enough to set boundaries. And be confident enough to give yourself space. Not only will your family benefit, you will be a role model for those that love you most. 

I get it. All of my clients have battled this. But on the other side, I promise you when you ditch this excuse, “I don’t have time”, that is actually a mask for much deeper things. You’re then able to do what they’ve done. Like start a location-independent business or double your revenue or make time for investments or carve out time for your health. Transform yourself and your home into the place that is something you cherish.

So this episode I’m urging you to look at this excuse carefully. “I don’t have time.” Be honest with yourself. Is that true? Or is it rather a mask for poor boundaries or a lack of self-worth or maybe even fear of failure or even more scary success.

So if you’re in self-isolation and flipping through Netflix, that’s awesome. I hope that is feeling nurturing for you. But as soon as it starts not feeling nurturing, I want you to think about your time and whether the thought of “I don’t have time” might be just an invitation to bust through your excuses. 

And if you’re working hard at home and homeschooling. I want you to think how nurturing it would feel to make time for you. And do something for your future that lights you up on that Saturday when everyone else is on their screen time. You do have time, but you’re running out of excuses. 

So join me next week where I share the last of these four excuses that are holding you back from that location independent business or a more financially robust space that you want to be in. Because that would feel amazing. Especially in times of uncertainty.

And I did promise you something special. For those of you who are ready to do something new for yourself during the coronavirus crisis, I’ve got support for you in my Facebook group Expats on Purpose. Together with Expat Coach Coalition we are going to bring you a month of brain food. Yes, we are isolated apart, but will nourish each other together. April is all about COVID-19 crisis management tips from myself and Expat Coach Coalition. 

Expat Coach Coalition is a program that I’ve run a wonderful group through. They’re ready to support expats just like you with whatever challenge you’re facing right now. And round 2 is starting soon.

All of April the inaugural round of Expat Coach Coalition Pros will be joining us with learning snacks twice a week, all month from these experts. So join us in Expats on Purpose to help you nourish your brain, your heart and your soul through whatever uncertainty you’re dealing with. We will be by your side, Expats on Purpose, to support you every step of the way.

And if you do have time on your hands. We want you to spend yours in a way that makes you come out a better version of yourself. And I hope that’s exciting for you to think about a location independent business operations in the future or maximizing your talent so you can serve other expats through a crisis too. 

So check out Expat Coach Coalition and benefit from their wisdom in the next four weeks in Expats on Purpose. This is absolutely a community that gets you and we would love to have you. 

This is Sundae Schneider-Bean and you’ve been listening to Expat Happy Hour. Thank you for listening. 

I’ll leave you with the words of Nathaniel Hawthorne American novelist and short story writer. “Time flies over us but leaves its shadow behind.”