188: The Purpose Placebo

Hello. It is 08:00 am in New York, 2:00 pm in Johannesburg and 7:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to the Expat Happy Hour. This is Sundae Schneider-Bean from www.sundaebean.com. I am a solution-orientated coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations. I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition.Today is my invitation for you to jump into bed with purpose. By that I mean it is time to get up close and personal with the word because we throw it around like we all know what that means. But really it can mean vastly different things to people and in fact, some of my clients have told me they want to break up with purpose. Like it’s one of those toxic relationships that they have been having for years and it’s time to jump out of bed with purpose and do something else.

Why are some people so allergic to the word purpose? One of my clients said it’s like it’s haunting her, a weight on her shoulders. Right, and I work with a ton of people who are searching for more purpose and meaning. This episode is all about looking at purpose differently and most importantly, having you get clear on what purpose means for you. Now, I don’t take this lightly, I adore the idea of living with intention and even my expat Facebook community, Expats on Purpose is about being more intentional or on purpose in the way in which we live our lives.

I’ve got a five-day Purpose Challenge coming up starting August 17th, 2020. So make sure you listen to the end for details because if you’re like so many other people you are starving for more purpose and meaning at the same time you don’t want to end up in this toxic relationship with purpose like my client shared with me.

Okay. So let’s start from the beginning when we’re looking at purpose. Let’s make sure we’re talking about the same thing. If you go way back to my episode 31: Lack of purpose is life-threatening, you’ll learn from the research when we look at longitudinal studies that people with a weak sense of purpose actually have a worse sex, life poor health conditions and a report lower happiness than those with a stronger sense of purpose. That walking around with a weak sense of purpose could be the equivalent of being a smoker. So this idea of purpose, although it can be disregarded when we look at it just from the word, is critical.

So today we’re going to step back and look at actually what that means. One of my biggest complaints is when I watch people chase purpose. You can even hear it in the language, “I want to find my purpose.” And it completely sets us up to fail because if you haven’t found your purpose yet, you must be doing it wrong, right? It’s like this needle in a haystack, that you’re looking for the needle and if you haven’t discovered it yet, well, you’re not looking hard enough.

Like, hello, that’s demotivating! Or what I see that happens, even more, is you start chasing someone else’s definition of purpose. We put ourselves under so much pressure to find my purpose or have a purpose project or your job should fulfill your purpose, and what you’ve heard from other podcasts the one especially featuring Dan Millman is that we don’t need to always have our purpose be fulfilled through something financially rewarding.

We can draw purpose in so many other ways of our lives. One of my clients came to me because she wanted to find the right fit for her own job. What did she want to do that was location-independent, that was helping her fulfill her purpose. We’d been working together, you know, slowly making progress on clarity and what she wanted but she didn’t want and then one simple exercise she discovered that when she was thinking of purpose, what she actually wanted was self-acceptance.

We’ve got to be careful about how we define purpose. We have to be mindful and make sure we’re defining purpose on our own terms. And not carrying around someone else’s definition like a boulder in our backpack. So my invitation to you today is to explore. Play with me today to look at purpose from a different perspective. I am so convinced purpose is not something you find.

Instead, what I encourage people to do is ditch the quest for purpose and get curious and look for places that you want to make an impact. Where do you want to start flirting with purpose by thinking about where you’d like to make an impact in, I don’t know, your health, maybe in your head and your relationships or community?

So let’s take this idea of purpose and extend it to look at it differently. Is flirting with where we might want to make an impact and then name it. And I know that’s maybe asking a lot of you right now. So we’re going to do this together. I’m gonna hold your hand as we start flirting with purpose and by the end of this episode, I’m going to ask you to define purpose for you because my definition of a purpose is just to get your wheels turning. What’s more important to me is that you define it for you.

Okay, so, how are we going to do this? Let’s begin by taking what some of us already are connected with and that is a manifesto, the Expats on Purpose Manifesto. So if you’re not already part of my free Facebook Community called Experts on Purpose, this is my invitation to you to join us because there, we have a unifying manifesto which helps us see how we’re connected, and of course we might not be connected on every level. There are over 2,000 of us, we’re from all over the world, speak many languages, different religions, nationalities, cultural preferences, all kinds of things that are happening that make us unique and multifaceted.

But if you’re still in the group and you read the manifesto, then there are a few aspects that might resonate. I’m going to walk you through some of the parts of the manifesto and I want you to watch in your body, which ones resonate. Are these elements helping you get clearer on what counts for you under this big umbrella of purpose? Where are you hungry to make an impact? Because often I think what the problem is, is we just don’t have the words for it and when someone gives you the word you’re like, “of course, now, I’ve got it,” and from that awareness, you can start to take action. So my hope today is that through this little walkthrough, there might be something that you can hang on to.

All right, so we’re going to start with the Expats on Purpose manifesto, it’s really simple. There are things that we say “no” to and things we say “yes” to, so get comfortable, maybe even grab a pen and paper or your laptop and take notes. What areas resonate for you, which areas help you feel like it’s more on purpose, more in line with your intentions, a place where you’re ready to flirt with making an impact.

Here we go. Number one. We say no to ignoring your priorities and yes to claiming your priorities.

Mmm, does that sound delicious, claiming your priorities if that’s it, then you can go ding ding ding. You’ve got something that is hot on the tracks to go under the umbrella of purpose for you.

Number two. You say no to sacrificing your needs for others and yes to meeting your needs along with others.

Doesn’t that sound delicious, meeting your needs along with others? Are you someone who’s been known to sacrifice your needs so that others’ needs get met and yours go to the wayside? If so, take notes on that one because that one probably feels like it’s an area where you want to make an impact.

Number three. You say no to relinquishing your dreams and say yes to creating your dream life.

I mean for real, I don’t think there’s anybody listening who is going to say, “Oh, yeah, I really do want to relinquish my dreams.” Nobody does that on purpose. Maybe there are a few amazing people. I don’t know, like monks and saints or something, but really how many of us have actually unknowingly unintentionally allowed years to go by without even doing anything towards that thing that dream that stuck in our heart. Which actually you are relinquishing your dreams if you’re not actively doing what you can to create them.

Number four. You say no to standing at the sidelines of your life and say yes to advancing towards your goals.

Listen, if you are like most of my clients, it is a big hell no at standing at the sidelines of your life. You are so sick of that! You’re done. I just got a message from someone who said I feel like I am at the sidelines and I just want to get in the game. And maybe you don’t know how to advance towards your goals, but you know, you’re done with the sidelines. If that resonates, there you go. That’s one more thingy you could add to your list of things that fail purposefully.

Number five. You say no to being an accessory.

I would say an “accessoire.” I have been in situations where I feel like in the trailing, sort of an accompanying partner context, I feel like I’m seeing as an accessory and I know my clients feel like an accessory. When they’re in spaces where their partner is the one who is asked all the questions and seen as the important one because they’re the ones who have the lead assignment.

So say no to being the accessory and say yes to taking a leading role in your own life. Again, if these resonate, you don’t need to know how yet, the first step is just resonating seeing “yeah, that’s what I want. I want to go away from that and toward this.” So say no to being an accessory that could be part of what goes on your definition of being on purpose for you.

Number 6. You are ready to say no to living by shoulds or coulds and say yes to living what you love.

Again, maybe you don’t even know what you love. You don’t even know what you like anymore. All you think about is what does everybody else wants to eat for dinner. Where do they want to go on vacation? You forgot to know what you want and that’s okay, but you’re probably sick of living by shoulds or coulds.

And I get that like those shoulds and coulds, when we look at how we’re socialized, there are things we don’t even realize our shoulds, until one day we see someone who is sort of putting our expectations into question. I remember listening to the song from Billie Eilish, Bad Guy, and she a bad guy and I’m like “girls can be bad guys.” It didn’t occur to me like I could be a bad guy now, but I was like, “oh we’re so socialized, so socialized to be good girls.”

I didn’t even think about being a bad guy. Man, If I had known that in my 20s! Now I’m really okay with being a good girl, it’s fine. It’s really fine. Alright, so we’re living by shoulds or coulds, and one of those could be “I should make money, I should have my own job.” I have people who feel so much pressure because their partner’s working and they’re an independent strong woman, that they feel like they should have their own business.

You get to decide that. If you don’t have to be bringing in money for your family or for your goals, you get to decide that, not because of whatever definition someone else has. The same thing whatever gender roles are just pushed on you, no matter which direction they are, ask yourself “does this feel in line with me?” And if the way you’re living your life happens to be conforming to gender stereotypes, are you okay with that?

The way my husband and I have divided tasks kind of seems a little bit gender normative at times. Although he’s actually the cook in the house and everybody knows I can’t cook, but for example, if I’m doing the laundry taking out the garbage, I don’t care as long as we feel like our work is equally distributed and both of us are fine.

We get to decide what the shoulds and coulds are. So are you living by shoulds and coulds that don’t feel right for you? And could you say yes to living what you love? How would your life change? Some of those could be really big, some of those could be really small but make an impact.

Number 7. Say no to putting yourself last and say yes to taking first-class care of yourself.

If you’ve listened to me long enough, you do know I’m a fan of first-class self-care. And in fact, it is the last thing from selfish because once you start taking good care of yourself, you are in such a better position to show up for your loved ones, for your business, for your community. So putting yourself last and avoiding first-class self-care actually is the opposite of what your original intention probably was.

If you wanted other people to benefit, you’re actually not giving them your best because putting yourself last is a recipe for burnout.

Number 8. You’re going to say no to feeling low self-worth and yes to recognizing your own value.

Say no to feeling low self-worth and yes to recognizing your own value. I can’t tell you how many times this comes up with my clients. It’s like something baked into us and it takes a long time to dismantle it and to replace it with true ownership of your own value. Again, it’s okay if you don’t know how yet but just say no to feeling low self-worth and say yes to recognize your own value. If that resonates, put that on your list on how you define purposeful.

Number 9. Say no to losing your identity and yes to reclaiming who you are.

If that resonates, get it on the list.

Number 10. Say no to surrendering to others plan, say yes to marking the direction of your own path.

You want it? You got it. Add it to the list.

Number 11. Say no to living without direction, say yes to living on purpose.

If you are still listening to this part of the podcast. I have a hunch – this is a yes on your list. You want to live on purpose and stop living without direction.

Number 12. Say no to not recognizing who you’ve become and start saying yes to loving who you’re becoming.

The first step is completely ignoring who you have become and accepting that reality for the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the second part is loving who you’re becoming and having clarity on that. So number 12, no to not recognizing who you’ve become and say yes to loving who you’re becoming. All right. We got a couple more.

Number 13. Say no to craving connection, say yes to creating connection.
I understand at the time of this recording, we’re smack dab in the middle of COVID fatigue and you’re probably sick of online connection and you want real connection. I know this is not easy to solve. We’ve talked about this in Expats on Purpose, on how we can create connection even though we have to settle with it being virtual but you don’t want to give up with creating connection.

Hey, and here’s a wild idea: how about you create a connection with yourself? Like into your body, understand what your needs are, what you want, what you’re dreaming of. Say no to craving connection, say yes to creating it.

Number 14. Living in the past or future saying no to that and saying yes to living in the now with intention for the future.

I think this is really important right now, especially when you’re listening to this during the wonky COVID times. It is so easy to live in the past right now, how we used to do it when we got to fly, when I got to see my family on summer vacation or in the future when the new normal happens or when we get to do that again. Hey, I’m with you, I get that. But what we do when we stay stuck there, is that we miss now.

We’re no longer present and we have no intention for the future. So we’re actually wasting time. We’re losing out in an opportunity to build something and this is what I’m all about right now with the people that I work with. Yes, we are in wonky times, yes. this is crazy with COVID but this is not a time to put our hands up in surrender. Let’s surrender to the calling in our hearts.

On what we want to be doing, how we want to be impacting our health and our relationships and our community and the cause that lights our fire, surrender to that voice and live now with the intention for the future

Number 15. Say no to the sacrifice without success and say yes to success without sacrifice.

How many times have you been a martyr for your organization or for your family and felt that your work was unnoticed by the organization your family, but worse, by you? And what would it look like for you to have success but without sacrifice? I know for me, one of the things I’m really strict about is what my working hours are because I want to build a business and grow but not at the sacrifice of my health or time with my family.

And right now where I was just on the phone with my husband talking about this. I’m looking at the growth of my business and this wonky transition we’re in and I’ve been away for six months. I’m sleeping on air mattresses. We’re trying to find creative ways to keep my kids occupied and I’m like “mm, am I really living on purpose to have success without sacrifice, or do I need to pull back a little bit because I’m getting tired?”

Having these things on your list helps you stay calibrated to purpose, the things that you want to do to live intentionally. Writing them down serves as a compass and this one for me was my compass this morning, where I had to say “don’t lose sight of this one.”

Number 16. Say no to adapting reluctantly, say yes to transitioning with intention.

This goes for all of our globally mobile moves, but hello, it’s happening right now. We are adapting reluctantly to everything that’s changing around us. What can we do to transition with more intention? How can we do this more in our terms?

Number 17, goes hand-in-hand, say no to resenting the experience and say yes to embracing the experience.

Remember the beginning of all of this in March, I challenge you to make this COVID coaster the best worst thing that ever happened to you. How can you embrace this disruptive experience so that you actually grow from it, that you gain from it, that you walk away with more depth, love, or security as a result?

Number 19. Say no to ignoring your progress and say yes to celebrating the gains.

You know me, big gains don’t have to be big. I’m just grateful that I’ve done the laundry. What are you doing? Did you get out of bed today? Did you brush your teeth? Then you better celebrate that. What is a gain for you today based on your circumstances? Did you call one client and get a no? That’s a gain because you made the telephone call and now, you know. You made an effort. The result is not what we’re focused on, we’re focused on what you are doing to play the long haul game to get towards what you want.

And finally (Number 20), we look at the Expats on Purpose manifesto. We say no to trailing and yes to trailblazing. It is time to stop following, stop following not just your partner across the world following mentally. I’m talking about following in your heart, what society says you should do, following norms that don’t fit with you.

Trailing in terms of doing what everybody else does without thinking about it and trailblazing is living with intention and setting milestones and working toward them along the way. I’ve got a lot more to say about trailblazing, I can share that in another podcast. I’ve done some training on it, it’s much deeper than that, but it’s time to say no to trailing and yes to trailblazing.

There you go. I’m given you 20 points to hold onto to think “hey, where are you ready to get cozy with this idea of purpose.” What areas resonated with you? Which ideas do you want to take out on a first date? Right, it’s your turn.

What does purpose mean to you?

What do you want to say no to?

What do you want to say yes to?

I’ve given you some ideas to just get started. Those might be so spot-on, you’ve grabbed a handful of them and you’re ready to go. Or maybe it’s not where you’re at. You’ve got other things going on with your life. So this is your chance to define what purpose means to you, for you. So step one, write it down. What does purpose mean to you? What are you saying no to, what are you saying yes to?

And if you need a little help, I’ve got one more thing I can offer you. Just imagine you woke up one day and you were living on purpose.

What would be different?

What would you be doing?

What fresh thoughts would be in your mind?

What would you be feeling?

Who would you be connecting with?

And what would you know about yourself?

You decide. What does living on purpose mean to you?

I know these are big questions. These are big juicy gorgeous questions that we just need to grab and just pull in tight because these questions hold so much nourishment for your head and your heart and your soul, and they’re worth grappling with. And I don’t expect you to do it on your own. One thing you could do right now is go into the transcript of this podcast and print it out and then write your answers in the margins.

Another thing you can do right now is sign up for the five-day Purpose Challenge I’ve got starting the 17th of August 2020 in the Facebook group Expats on Purpose. I will guide you through these questions and help you find your answers, but we will take it 10 steps further every single day. We’re going to take another focus on purpose and help you get clear on what purpose means for you, help you reclaim who you are and recognize your value, have a name and claim your priorities, help you get off the sidelines of your life and help you start shaping your direction.

You and me, one-on-one, heart-to-heart, getting clear on purpose but it’s not just me. Jump in with Expats on Purpose and you’ve got 2000 cheerleaders by your side to help you every step of the way. If you’re not signed up already for the five-day Purpose Challenge. I would love to see you there. If you’ve got any questions just hit the reply on my newsletter, send me a DM in the Facebook group or write me an email at Sundae@SundaeBean.com and ask me anything.

You’ve been listening to Expat Happy Hour with Sundae Bean. Thank you for listening. Rumi reminds us to come back to the present for clarity of purpose. I’ll leave you with his words: “What you seek is seeking you.”