195: The Fail Cycle

Hello. It is 8:00 am in New York, 2:00 pm in Johannesburg, and 7:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to the Expat Happy Hour. This is Sundae Schneider-Bean from www.sundaebean.com. I am a solution-orientated coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations. I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition.

 

You’ve been there before.

 

You’re motivated to change and you finally have gotten clear on what you want and you start strong and then it all goes to hell. Maybe you wanted to meditate every day or start running or stop yelling at your kids or even make an effort in your relationship or finally figure out your thing, and you honestly don’t get it. 

 

You’re almost obsessed with making this change, but you’re not doing the work even though you’ve got all these amazing intentions, it’s still not happening. All right, for real, there is no shame in that, it happens to the best of us and you are so much not alone because I see this all the time in my Facebook group, Expats on Purpose. 

 

There are over two thousand people in there and I asked them what holds them back from making progress and some of the top reasons were you know, you keep changing your mind, other things get in the way or you get off track and struggle to get back. In fact, some people voted for all of these. They said all three feel like they’re getting in the way and today in this episode of Expat Happy Hour. I am going to help you with that, but before I do, I have got to do something. 

 

I don’t really feel like doing it, but I know I got to do it. There are three hard truths I want to share with you. I remember when I was a kid and my parents taught me the expression “tough love.” They were saying tough love is when you do something or say something that’s hard but you do it because you love them and you do it because it’s something they need to hear or something that has to change right? So this is my tough love.

 

Along the way, to balance out that tough love I’m going to give you just hand-picked resources for you to help you go deeper with each and everything that I’m going to mention because I really want you to succeed. I want you to create transformation in your life this year and I’m not going to be holding back any secrets. So are you ready for a little tough love? You’re like, “NO Sundae, I’m not, 2020 is tough enough, I do not need tough love.”

 

Okay, I promise it’s going to be way more love than tough, okay. And I share this because there are some of you who are listening right now and it’s exactly what you need to hear to make a change. So that’s why I’m doing it. Okay, so let’s get started with the first of three of tough love messages or hard truths. 

 

Number one. You are consciously or unconsciously looking for a quick fix, right? So quick fix, fast results, you want something different, you want it now. It’s kind of like the McDonald’s version of change. I totally get that, and I know that for the big things in your life that you really want deeply, that’s not going to serve you. Like a quick thing would be like, “oh, I don’t have a toothbrush, I’m gonna go down to the lobby and ask for a replacement.” Right? That’s a quick fix. 

 

Hey, remember when we could travel and we would go to lobbies? Sorry, but for real, quick fixes, I know we want a quick fix and I love it when I have a problem and boom, it’s fixed. But for the things that I know are on your heart, the deep things inside you that you’re hungry for, to find your thing, to write that book, to start that podcast, to finally make you a priority, to put you first, to take care of your health, to recreate yourself professionally, all of those things are not toothbrushes. We can pick up at the hotel lobby, right?

 

And the trouble is until we actually can say it out loud, “I’m looking for a quick fix”, can we really understand that that’s not serving us? This was gorgeous, I was on the call with one of my clients and you know, we checked in on what was going on in the session and I said, “so what has to happen today for today’s session to be successful?” And she goes, “do you have a magic wand?” 

 

And we both giggle and I actually, you know, I’m holding my hands actually right now this glittery green wand that sits on my desk. And the reason why I bought it is because I know that’s what my clients want and I’ll be playful sometimes and wave it and you know grant them permission for what they want or whatever it is. But what I love about this client’s response was how she owned it. She knew what she wanted was a quick fix and so she shared it. 

 

So we giggled and we dug down and we talked about, you know, really got into what she was looking for and all of a sudden she says, “oh I get it. I’ve got it. I know now what the underlying problem is!” And often underlying problems that go on in my coaching sessions are things like people are battling perfectionism, they’re battling procrastination, maybe they’re dealing with low self-worth or lack of self-confidence. 

That’s when we’re getting to like a really deep underlying problem and she stops and now mind you she’s a doctor she goes, “Sundae, I mean, you’ve got to have some tips or tricks, right? Don’t you have a vaccine?” And again she’s so brilliant, she knew, she was so in touch with what she wanted. She wanted to inoculate herself from the thing that she was struggling with, and she wanted a quick fix. And by just naming that, we could laugh at that and then look at what we could do instead.

 

Speaking of vaccines, when we’re talking about what’s going on right now with COVID, I think so many people are holding out for this vaccines. I know there are people who are against vaccines, but on the big picture, people who are hoping for a vaccine are, we just want to go back to our lives that used to be the way they were. We’re just holding up for this quick fix because we don’t like what it is, and we want it to be different.

 

I think the reality is slowly starting to sink in for everybody that this isn’t around the corner. So we have no choice but to be in the present. And we have no choice but to do the deep work now so that we are actually living our lives and making the most of today until this magic vaccine comes or not. I would love to wave my green glittery magic wand and give you that quick fix, or that vaccine but that just doesn’t exist. 

 

It’s not real and if I said that, if I promised you that, that would be a lie. And if you go back to episode 191 Art of Reemergence, we talked about the difference between change and transformation. So change is something that is different. So you buy new gym clothes, you get a water bottle, and you go to the gym. Yay change. 

 

That’s “change” as a quick fix. If I were your coach and said go buy some gym clothes by water bottle and go to the gym we could be celebrating that you changed. But if I talk to you 52 weeks from now, would you have gone to the gym consistently? For 52 weeks? Maybe not because change can happen with a few tweaks, but to fundamentally do things differently so that you become the person who goes to the gym as a matter of course, that’s transformation. So if you don’t know the difference between change and transformation check out episode 191. And it really goes back to this difference between change and transformation and why we’re unconsciously looking for a quick fix.

 

There’s no vaccine for perfectionism. There’s no vaccine for procrastination. There’s no vaccine for not taking care of your health. There’s no vaccine for failing to make you a priority. And I’m sorry, I wish there were but something has to change, something else has to happen. And this leads me to tough love number two. The hard truth is one, as I said, you’re unconsciously looking for a quick fix. You want change, you say you’re looking for change, but actually what you want is transformation. 

 

It’s not happening and number two you’re not committed deeply to consistently do the work. This isn’t a blame thing, this is just a truth. I think about how many times I’ve started something, oh my gosh, I have this book on my nightstand. It’s from Osho and he’s got, like, a daily meditation, a morning meditation, evening meditation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to start that consistently. It’s still sitting on my night shelf. Am I really committed to doing the work? Am I committed to making meditation part of who I am?

 

Well, not so far. I’m not, for this thing, not consistently and deeply committed to doing the work. So that meditation becomes part of who I am. And so that’s the difference and there might be and that’s okay for meditation. I don’t think that’s what I absolutely want, you know, the linchpin of all the things I want in my life right now hang on, but for you, maybe finding your thing is.

 

So there are a couple of things for you to have hints that you kind of can see if this is true in your life. The first thing is things keep getting in the way. So if things keep getting in the way maybe you haven’t deeply committed to consistently doing the work other things keep getting in the way and here’s some tips. What I notice all the time for my clients is that if things keep getting in the way from the thing that you want to do, maybe it’s going to the gym, maybe it’s doing research for that job you really want or studying for that test that you want to pass whatever it is.

 

What keeps getting in the way? Well, you might be doing one of three things:

You might be bending reality. And if you don’t know what I mean by bending reality, check out episode 159 Bending reality is when you pretend that there are more than 24 hours in a day. Where you act as if humans don’t need rest. Bending reality is pretending that you can be energetic all day without having proper nutrition, that’s bending reality. 

So if any of those things seem true to you, you might be bending reality. Do you have a to-do list that is, you know, 90 kilometers long and you say you’ve got eight hours to get it done? That’s bending reality. So if things keep getting in the way, maybe you’re bending reality.

 

Highly likely if things keep getting in the way, you struggle with boundaries. So check out episode 151, Boundaries with Jenny Miller where we talk about boundaries. If things keep getting in the way, maybe you’re not so good at saying no, maybe you say a lot of “dirty yeses.” That’s from my podcast called The Bitter PTA President. Dirty yeses, you say yes, but you really don’t want to. 

 

So if that sounds familiar check out my episode from the Bitter PTA President or episode 151 Boundaries because if things keep getting the way, maybe you need to check out your boundaries and whether they’re strong enough.

 

If you say things keep getting the wait, maybe it’s really pragmatic. Like you don’t have enough support. Are you trying to do everything yourself? Are you trying to add things to your already full day? Are you taking care of the home and the kids and logistics and you’re trying to recreate your career?

 

Right, maybe you don’t have enough support and if that’s the case check out episode 185 Invisible Burdens, something might be going on there. So sorry tough love. It’s like if you want to be deeply committed to doing the work and do it consistently, you have to stop these other things getting in the way and stop bending reality, get some support, and start getting better with your boundaries. 

 

The other thing that sneaks up is really really simple and (hint) comes from you keep changing your mind. If you keep changing your mind, my guess is that you really just don’t know what you want. Maybe you forgot how to know what you want. It’s really common among my clients. I know it sounds silly but sort of that prototype scenario where you ask everybody else, “what do you want to eat for dinner?” But you never even think to ask yourself what you want. So maybe you keep changing your mind because what you thought you wanted was full of “shoulds” and “coulds” and not what you deeply want.

 

Because when you want something with your whole body, you don’t change your mind. You might doubt yourself. You might worry, it’s not going to happen, but you don’t change your mind. So that’s just a hint, if you are super committed to making change in your life, or creating transformation, knowing how to want is definitely a great place to get started. 

 

Okay, so like I said hard truths, tough love, but I’m doing this and I’m giving you resources. Because I really want you to empower yourself to do something different and the third sort of tough love or hard truth is super simple. Super simple. You haven’t created a foolproof plan. So for myself, I have to do this with myself all the time. I have to rope myself into the things that I want to do. I remember over 22 years ago, I wanted to study abroad, I wanted to go to Spain and I’ve never been abroad before. I wanted to go, and I wrote out a super big check with all my savings. I’d saved my entire life and was working through college, in a consulting firm and I wrote this gigantic check for a semester abroad to Spain and I sent it in because I wanted to go abroad. 

 

I wanted to see the world and there’s part of me that couldn’t believe I could actually do it. I remember just writing up that check and sending it in was roping myself into it. I knew that if I didn’t do that, that I wouldn’t actually go. So creating a foolproof plan is roping yourself into the thing that you really want to do. It’s like when you say yes to something you’re like, “oh my God, I said yes, and now I have to do it.”

 

You make the appointment, you pay the down payment, whatever it is. I have to do that to myself all the time because what I see for people, they don’t create a foolproof plan and then they feel bad that they don’t take action and follow through on it. But the problem is they didn’t set themselves up to succeed. Because we all get off track, so a hint for you is maybe you’re the one who gets off track and then you struggle to get back totally normal.

 

In fact, it’s human nature. We want to do something, we plan for it, we start taking action, and then we’re working to maintain that new habit and then we relapse, it’s normal. But what’s our game plan to get back? And for me, in my business even, I know that if I don’t rope myself into the goals that I have for myself, or 2021, even all the way to 2025, I’m not gonna do it.

 

I might do it but I’ll do it, excuse my language, but kind of half-assed, you know, I’ll do half of it or I’ll do it slower or kind of and so I rope myself in by asking my own coach to be by my side. So my foolproof plan is getting someone who walked that walk before, whose three chapters ahead of me and understands where I’m going. And then committing to meeting with them regularly and helping me craft a plan to make it happen. 

 

Like I said, I get this, I’m not one of those unicorns, always go ahead and do it all myself. I know for me, I got really clear that my cardio is good for my health, but I need to build strength. And so what I did is I roped myself into going to the gym to build strength. And I’m not a gym person at all, but it was something that I said yes to because I knew that if I roped myself into it, I’d actually do the work. 

 

So I worked with a personal trainer to help me with my physical strength, and it’s such a huge difference because when I show up there, one, my personal trainer will set goals bigger than what I would set for myself and I’m like, are you serious? “Have you seen me?” I don’t think I could do that and he’s like, “of course, I’ve seen you, I know what you’re capable of.”

 

He always makes sure to set goals that are a stretch but not going to injure me and then I’ll get in the middle of that and I’m like trying to get to 8 reps of whatever it is and I’m like, “six, seven.” And then he’ll give the eye contact and I’ll push to the eighth and then I get further than I even thought I could get myself. This is what’s great about working with someone who has been there before and knows how to guide people. They help you in a sort of really structured but flexible context, help you show up to what you’re capable of even when you don’t know you’re capable of it yourself

 

The beauty about that is when I worked with my trainer as well, he’ll help me find really tiny windows of time to make a big impact. For example, I had three minutes left of a session, I’m like, “oh it’s not enough time to do anything.” He’s like, “no, no come here.” And gave me this exercise to do lifts with my calves in three minutes and I was like, “what can you do in 3 minutes?” And then after I got done doing what he told me to do, he was like, “you’re gonna feel that” and I did. 

 

So with only three minutes we were able to find something that was really a high-impact that made a difference and he saw that opportunity that I didn’t and because I trust him and his expertise, I was able to go for it and I paid for it but I also gained the growth from it afterward.

 

The ironic thing is, I met with him every Wednesday and I’ll do the exercises he tells me to do on Friday. And then tell you what, I do not do even 10% of what he tells me to do when I’m on my own. So I understand how important accountability is because when I rope wrote myself into it, I know how I show up so much bigger.

 

The people who are really struggling with creating transformation in their own life have not yet designed a foolproof plan and I had to just do this recently. I was like should I have my coach come back? Should I not? And I’m like, you know what, I’ll show up way better way bigger if I actually rope myself into it. Okay, so I’ve got some tips for you. The best thing you can do if you’re stuck and you want to get back on track is check out episode 187 Unstuck Masterclass. 

 

I have three seasons of episodes listed there for you plus samples so you can get unstuck. So you have a get unstuck game plan. A huge part of that is anticipating setbacks, building, and accountability into your own life. So, there you go, those are some tough love, right?

 

And I gave you a huge source of resources where you can go if you’re feeling stuck. Let me just quickly recap. Look at the hard truths. You’re unconsciously looking for a quick fix that is not going to lead you where you want to go. You are not consistently doing the work. Unfortunately. I can’t wave my magic wand you do have to do the work and the trick is you have to create a foolproof plan. And having someone by your side for that accountability is definitely part of that. If you want to go into this a little bit more deeply I have prepared and delivered a workshop by the time this goes live in my Facebook group Expats on Purpose.

 

We talked about the momentum machine and what you need to build momentum. So go ahead if you’re in Expats on Purpose or you want to join, you can catch up by going to the unit’s section, which you’ll find on the left of the Facebook page, and check out the September Summit. So September Summit 2020 for those of you who are listening later and you can get even more detail.

 

So you’ve made it, you’ve been hit with these hard truths, with tough love, and I really am just sharing this with my heart because I know right now it would be so nice to have a vaccine for whatever is on your heart. It would be great to have a quick fix or someone to wave a magic wand. It’s like, I don’t know about you, but I either want to see a magic wand waving or a surrender flag.

 

You’ve done it all on your own and you’re still not getting what you want. I get that I understand how hard that is. Today I’ve given you just a handful of resources for you to go to and to say yes to you. To help you really get clear beyond the quick fix. To envision that transformation you want to create in your life, to create a plan, so you will consistently do the work and then to rope yourself in with a foolproof plan.

 

Some of you are, you know, do-it-yourselfers you’re going to print out my transcript of this episode and you’re going to listen diligently to every single podcast. And you’re going to put your action items in your calendar and you’re going to do it but to be really honest you are a rare horse. You’re like a unicorn out there, right? Not everybody is that diligent. I don’t know, my husband calls me a streber in German. Like I’m the girl in class who does all the extra credit and the bonus assignments, but I don’t think I even go that far. Most of us are people who are motivated but really want someone by their side to support us along the way.

 

And want to say yes to us and not give up but do need a structure in place and support in place when things get hard, when the excitement wears off, when you face challenges we’re anticipating or when you’ve gone beyond what you’ve ever done before right and that’s exactly why I created Year of Transformation. Year of Transformation is exactly that, 52 weeks of me by your side as your cheerleader, as the one who’s going to hold that structure for you, for you to show up in your life. 

 

It is not a huge time commitment. We meet every other week. You’ve got me at your fingertips and between you’ve got a sisterhood or brotherhood – it depends, most of the people have been women in the mastermind. But a sisterhood of individuals who are there doing the same walk by your side to cheer you on, we meet every month.

 

And it’s really a safe place to say, “hey, this is what I want and don’t know how to get there but I’m going to put in the work consistently to get to the other side.” You’re like my other clients who launched their business,  who created the podcast, who wrote the book, who won that award, who passed their language exam, who created more connection in their relationship, who put their health first, who generated more deep connections their children, who got more involved in social justice, who changed other women’s lives through the work that you were doing.

That’s what happens when you stop looking for quick fixes, you look inside and get clear on what you really want. You’re committed to consistently doing the work and you have said “yes” to a foolproof plan. So if you’re thinking about Year of Transformation, now is absolutely the time to apply. I am taking applications and doing calls right now. I do limit it to or guarantee only 10 spots. 

 

So it’s this wonderful tight-knit group. I’d love to talk to you and see if it’s a good fit for you and you don’t need to take my word for it. Right in terms of results, I’ve got episodes where graduates from Year of Transformation speak for themselves. So check out episode 89 A Peek Behind the Curtain of Real-life Transformation where you can hear one woman’s story where she said she went from being depressed on the sofa to global entrepreneur.

 

There was episode 35 Real Life Transformation with Robin Tanner, she talked about how it helped her get out of a crisis and actually start her own business. And then in episode 140 we talk to Janine Christie halfway through her joining of Year of Transformation where she talked about how she made the shift to reclaim her talents and to create her own business. 

 

So there’s more there you can check it out in the September Summit where more people from Year of Transformation have talked about how they give back to the communities that they believe in and as professionals in bigger ways because of the work that they’ve done through Year of Transformation. 

 

All right, so check it out because I would love to be celebrating with you this time next year, that you said “yes” to you, that you created a foolproof plan, that you did the work, and now you are on the other side. All right, you have been listening to Expat Happy Hour. Thank you for listening. Let’s leave you with the words from Zig Ziglar: 

“When you focus on problems, you get more problems, when you focus on possibilities, you have more opportunities.”