260: New Year’s S.O.S. Kit

Hello. It is 2:00 am in New York, 9 am in Johannesburg, and 2:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to the Expat Happy Hour. This is Sundae Schneider-Bean from www.sundaebean.com. I am a solution-orientated coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations. I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition.

I don’t know about you, but most people I know are in the exact same space they were last year. They couldn’t wait for 2020 to be over and finally, welcome 2021. And here we are at the end of 2021 saying the exact same thing, right? I hope that’s not true for you. But in the chats I’ve had with people from all over the world, most of the people are really excited to say goodbye to 2021. But I think we are very hesitant to have the optimism that things are going to be dramatically different, especially based on the recent new variant that was named in South Africa, Southern Africa, and Europe. 

 

So, here we go. Let’s end this year regardless, with clarity on how we can pick ourselves up after a challenging year.

 

This is part 2 of this 3-part series called 3 for 3. I am delivering a series where each episode highlights insight from 3 popular episodes. (So you get the insight of 9 episodes packed into 3 – but for less time). You might remember the last episode where I looked at Family Matters. Personally, I was hoping for a face-to-face hangover as I mentioned in the episode, but due to the recent travel restrictions our holiday plans got grounded. So I am probably just going to go for a regular New Year’s hangover. I’m just kidding. That would happen if I had two glasses of wine. Anyway, I’m thinking of all of you who are impacted by these events, seriously thinking of you as you are separated from those that you love or the plans that you had to rejuvenate have been shifted. 

 

So let’s do this together. I know that you’re busy with the holidays. Are you trying your best to just recuperate or prepare for whatever next year slings at us? So we’re going to dive right in with this special episode. 

Let’s look at three things:

1. Subtle signs that things are falling to shit.
2. What to do if you are feeling depleted
3. 3 steps to bounce back from a backslide

 

We’re going to dive right inside as I mentioned in episode 74: When Things are Falling to Shit, we had no idea then, that was just, as we say in German: Kinderspiel. We thought things were hard, then now look at what’s going on. But the insight that I mentioned is still really relevant. I want you to listen to the three things that I mentioned in this episode, because they might be creeping up in your own life and you don’t even realize it. 

 

Here we go. The three signs that things are falling to shit and you need to start noticing so that we can shift it.

 

Number one, you talk to yourself worse than you would the neighbor that you don’t even like, down the street. If you were your own friend, you would instantly unfriend you on Facebook because of all that abuse. You wake up in the morning, and then you think, “Ugh,” you should really be doing more. You spend your afternoon feeling like a crappy mom and you go to bed at night and you say, “Yeah, what have you done today, anyway?” So the first sign that your life is falling apart, sorry, brothers and sisters, you talk to yourself worse than you would to that neighbor down the street that you don’t even like.

 

Sign two, you feel disconnected from the people you love the most. Sign number two, that your life is falling apart, you feel disconnected from the people you love the most. So you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers. You miss your mom, hard. You spend more time yelling at your kids, then you do reading to them. And you haven’t spoken to your best friend in months. This is a sign that you are disconnected from the people that you love the most.

 

Sign number three, that your life is falling apart. You’ve let your health slide. Wine o’clock starts a little earlier and happens a little more often than you care to admit. Or maybe you don’t know what happened but your pants are so tight that you’ve got to buy more and you can’t figure out what the cause is. You find yourself skipping out on the things that you know are good for you, like walks or that yoga session with your friend. And you realize that you don’t even have anything more important planned. And you stay up too late binging Netflix and you know deep down while you’re doing it, that it isn’t good for you. Those are signs that you’ve let your health slide. 

 

All right. Did any of that sound familiar? Talking to yourself worse than you would someone you don’t even like or feeling disconnected from the people that you actually love the most or letting your health slide, right? Super important things to pay attention to. So, if any one of those are on your radar, it’s time to pay attention because the danger is letting them go and then you’ll find a landslide in your life when those are unattended. 

 

All right, so let’s pick up from this idea of letting your health slide. It’s very connected to what we were talking about one year ago, The Great Depletion in episode 204. I talked about how everybody at that time was feeling depleted and you might be listening right now and go, “Yep. Same.” So let’s revisit this idea of depletion and use this moment to apply what I’m calling 20/20 vision of that hindsight to take a moment to pause and see when all of this started and how we can slow down the slide.

 

What was the first sign where you are starting to feel tired? When were you not interested in connecting with someone? When did you feel like after a night’s sleep you were still exhausted? When did your motivation for work start to take a hit? Right? The reason why it’s important to use the 20/20 vision here is so you can see the signs that were early indicators which led you to where you are now. And I use this example with my friends, with my family. It’s this idea of parenting when you have a little baby and something happens. I think I mentioned in the last episode where your child spits up, okay, and then one day they cry when you lay him down. And then another day you notice that they’re cranky and four months later you’re at the doctor’s office and your doctor says your child has reflux. And it surprises you but when you pause and think about it, it actually showed signs months and months before.

 

And now on your second child and your child spits up or they’re cranky when you lay them down, you can better anticipate what might be building. And it’s the same thing with you. 

 

So even if you take a break on the weekend and you start to feel better on Monday, that was not enough to replenish what’s been depleted. So it’s important for you to know those signs for you. So if I think about physical depletion, for me, signs that I notice is I might have not three coffees a day, but then all the sudden I’ll have four, right. Or maybe I’ll have a glass of wine on Tuesday when normally I wouldn’t. Or maybe I won’t run 45 minutes, I’ll only run 25. Those are early indicators for me that something is going on. And because I know that, I can pick it up on a Tuesday, right. Or I can catch it on my second run.

 

So I save myself months of building leading to depletion instead of catching it early and I’m not always perfect at it. That is for sure. But I know more now than I did two years ago, three years ago, five years ago. And every time I learn an early indicator, I call them “red flags,” I’m able to be more present with myself and make quicker adjustments. So I want you to think about that for you. If you’re feeling emotionally depleted, good feeling physically depleted. What are your early indicators so that if they start to come up you are in a better position to respond? Okay. So number one, what does this mean for us? It’s time for 20/20 vision. 

 

Number two: Your number one goal right now needs to be replenishment. Replenishment. You actually do not have the luxury to be sloppy with this right now and when we’re talking about replenishment. We’re thinking your mind, your body, your spirit. Whatever is feeling depleted.

 

So for example if it’s physical like when I talk to my doctor, now is the time for me to be taking supplements morning, noon, and night. Gentle but consistent. No radical diet changes. No radical, who knows what, but consistent replenishment.

 

So think about for you what needs replenishment right now? Is it physical? Is it sleep? Joy? Connection? Playfulness? You name it. You fill in the blank. If you’re really honest with yourself right now. What needs to be replenished?

 

Okay, hold that close because now it’s time for number three, which is; Do things differently. Do things differently is critical because whatever has worked for us in the past is not really happening right now, because things are different for almost all of us.

 

But it’s an invitation for you to do things differently and you start with this question: What has to happen between now and the end of the year for you to replenish? What has to happen between now and the end of the year for you to replenish? It might mean some important things. Switching things up. Creating new boundaries at home. Pushing work back. Saying “No” to certain things, saying “Yes” to the things that are restorative.

 

So make a list of what will serve you with the goal of replenishment. And you can start small. Just ask yourself, whatever you’re doing that day, “Hey, what would feel restorative this afternoon? What would feel restorative tonight? What would feel restorative this week?” And then do that.

 

All right, so I hope that’s given you some inspiration on what you can do using your 20/20 vision so you can look at how you can replenish. Getting creative about what you can do differently and then making sure that you do what it takes to feel restored, just this week. But the thing is, I know that having these questions in your hand is a good start, but sometimes, things don’t go as we planned. We have great intentions and we know what questions we should ask. We know what we should do, but knowing doesn’t equate doing and what happens is we backslide. And that is human. That is absolutely human. 

 

And that’s what I talked about in episode 108: Bounce Back from a Backslide. You can listen to the episode and get all the details from our social scientific research on what backslides really look like, what the stages are. But what’s important in this episode is that we focus on three things that you can do to help you bounce back. And the first one starts with clear and specifically clearing out shame. So let’s have a look at three things you can do when you feel that slide coming on.

 

Number 1 – Clear; Clear is clear it up, it’s also clear out this shame, but how do you clear it up?  All you’ve got to do is look at it. “What was working before the backslide, what was I doing that was successful?”

 

Next, “Where did I start the slide?” Thinking of the terms of James Clear from Atomic Habits, when did you skip it twice? Whatever the thing that you wanted to do, whether it was getting up early, or having that alone time with your daughter. When did you skip it twice?  And what were the triggers that happened? Was it certain friends? The time of the day? Was it where you went? etc. So what was working? Where did you start the slide? A good indicator is when did you skip it twice, and then go deeper.

 

And then the third part, to clear, is really important, “What do I want to do instead next time?” So one of my clients is working on speaking to her children differently when she’s frustrated and her intentions are really solid, her routines are really solid but when she gets in the moment, she’s like, “I don’t know what to say instead”. So we’ll brainstorm on things so that she’s ready for the situation and that’s exactly like you. If you want to behave differently next time, you’ve got to have things in your back pocket to pull out and use, but if you haven’t thought about that in advance, it’s not going to magically appear, right?

 

So clear has three parts; what was working? Where did I start to slide? And what I want to do instead next time? 

 

That’s how you clear it up and clear out the shame.

 

Number 2 – Return; The first part is clear, the second one is return and it means return to what you’re becoming. Remember in episode 104. We talked about two key questions and one of them is what am I becoming? So, “I am becoming the person who has excellent ways to respond to my children when they’re demanding, I am becoming the person who takes first class care of herself. I am the person who does the hard things first in her business so that it will grow in the way I intend.” What is it? What are you becoming?

 

So then you can ask yourself; “What would the person who is becoming that do next?” And that will help you focus on what you’re creating. So if you are a person who is becoming a patient mother who has a backslide, what would she do next? Do that!

 

Step one is clear, step two is return, return to who you are becoming.

 

Number 3 – Safeguard; The best thing you can do is safeguard for a relapse, just like they recommend with relapses in addiction, you can use the same strategy for relapsing with the other bad habits we are addicted to. So safeguarding for a relapse means “What has to happen for me to be successful this week?” Do you need to have an accountability partner? Do you need to set a reminder on your phone? Do you need to ask your partner to join you when you do it?  Do you need to write it down? Do you need to put post it notes on your window? 

 

I don’t care!  

 

Safeguard for a relapse, and what I recommend is focus on an immediate goal not for the rest of your life, feels super overwhelming. People will say “I want to meditate”, I’m like, “Really? You’re going to just meditate from now until you’re 98?” Let’s hone it down, let’s just meditate today and then we’re going to meditate tomorrow. If you’re becoming the person who meditates, let’s have smaller wins. “So what has to happen for me to be successful this week?”

 

Okay. So there you go. Those are three small steps when you’re going to hit that in an editable backslide. And now you know what to do about it. 

 

Step One – Clear; Get clear on what has to happen for you to make it work again, clear out the shame and move on.

 

Step Two – Return; Return to who you are becoming.  Just ask “what would that person do next?”

 

Step Three – Safeguard; Safeguard your intentions to change your behaviors or routines for JUST this week so you stop your overwhelm. 

 

And don’t put yourself under pressure forever. Clear, Return, and Safeguard. 

 

All right. This is my love letter to you because it’s been a hell of a year and it was my Intention for us to look at what we can do after all of the things that we’ve been through together to pick ourselves up. And I hope this gives you some ideas on how to really tap into your own agency, reflect, and then have a fresh start in the new year. I promise you in the third part of this series, next week, we will talk about what it’s going to take for you to start fresh in the new year.

 

Until then, you’ve been listening to Expat Happy Hour with Sundae Bean. Thank you for listening. You mean the world to me. And you being here by my side is helping me end this year so well. I will leave you with the wisdom of Margaret Thatcher: “You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”