267: Transformation Binoculars

Hello, It is 6:30 am in New York, 1:30 pm in Johannesburg, and 6:30 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean. I am an intercultural strategist, transformation facilitator, and solution-oriented coach, and I am on a mission to help you adapt & succeed through ANY life transition.

 

One of my favorite illustrations or memes is from Blazek and you see a scene of a therapist sitting in their chair and speaking to their client. The therapist says, “Listen, Mrs. Francis, I get it, change is hard.” And you glance left and you see that the sofa is empty because there is a cocoon attached to the ceiling fan. 

 

If anybody has been in the midst of transformation, you can really empathize with Mrs. Francis who is there hanging in her cocoon. I love this illustration because it just encapsulates that place of surrender that we feel when our old life seems to be dissolving but we don’t know yet what’s ahead of us. And the thing about this cocoon is that you feel like you’re in the dark, right? And once things get busy in there, the only way out is to fight. A perfect discussion of transformation. And I also want to share something that’s very connected to that. In my own transformation process, I had this moment where I kind of got struck in a panic where I was like, “Yeah, I’m totally in the chrysalis.” And then I was like, “Well what if I’m a moth and not a butterfly?” 

 

I’ve shared this on another podcast. And I don’t even know why that question was relevant. I think what was happening was I was wondering if everything I was going through, if I was really going to come out on the other side in a way that I had hoped. But the more I looked into the moth, the more I realized, wait a minute. There are some pretty badass moths out there. They’re beautiful and they’re stronger than butterflies and they actually spin silk. So bring it on! I have surrendered and another word for surrender is accepted that I can become a butterfly or a moth. Whatever will be will be.

 

So these two stories hopefully kick us off to the topic of transformation today and it’s part of a 3 part series where I dive into the ATT method: Ambitious Transformation in Transition. Remember the last episode was on transition, where we talked about what do I really mean by being in transit. And it was really great to hear your response to that because people were chiming in on the conversation saying, “Yeah, when I actually thought about it, I haven’t even given myself credit for being in transit because I’m facing some new things that are happening in my life because I’m aging.” 

Others have said, “Yeah, I’m in transit and didn’t even give myself credit for the fact that I am doing a lot more to kind of stand in my power. It’s impacting my relationships and it’s hard but hey I’m doing it.” Others talked about how in their business, they were in transit because on one hand they were battling the challenging context we have here with a global pandemic but on the other hand, they were preparing for success when all of the travel restrictions left. Right? So I could tell from people there were lights going on around in transit isn’t just the loudest or a singular transition but that messy ocean that we all swim in and layers of your life in transit were becoming more in focus as you were listening. So thank you for those of you who shared that with me. 

 

All righty, so it is time for us to go deeper with this topic of Ambitious Transformation and Transition by just holding that space that we are always adapting to our contexts whether it is things that are moving fast or slow, shifts that are subtle or dynamic, welcome or unwelcome. And in spite of all of that happening, there are some of you who are listening that I suspect can feel a transformation either coming on or you’re smack dab in the middle of it like Mrs. Francis in the chrysalis. So let’s get on the same page about transformation and I’m going to share with you some mistakes I see people make when they think about transformation. And then we’re going to go a bit deeper and help you understand what kind of transformation are you in right now to sort of feel the edges of that, why that matters. And I’ll also help you do some thinking around, based on all of that, what can you do to at least shape this process so you don’t feel like you’re bold over or that you’re a victim to this whole process. Because when everything feels out of control, it does feel good to take control where we can.

 

All right. So Transformation, the way I define transformation is a fundamental shift in thinking, behavior, routine, response, character condition, composition, or structure. So when we break that down, it is a shift in thinking meaning it’s not temporary. It’s like we are shifting gears or we are moving a behavior for example or shifting a structure that is different from what it was before. I always tell my clients when we’re doing Year of Transformation, “This is not the year of tweak.” This isn’t about like, “What can I do for three days in a row?” This is like, “Who can I become that it will fundamentally shift how I think, how I behave, how I respond? How I structure my day, my business, my life?” That’s transformation. And we’ve tried to do some of that in this rebranding, this brand evolution that you’ve seen I don’t know how many of you caught the logo when it’s moving. So we have you go on the website you can see one of the logos is an S with a B in the middle but there was an animated version that we shared on Instagram. 

And the reason why I shared that is because it’s the best way that we can illustrate that through change and growth, that movement when we’re working on transformation, it’s to return to that core purpose for you now, and find meaning now. And I know it can be a wild ride, right? That’s why if you’ll notice on the moving logo, it starts from the bottom and then it whips up, it goes around and it loops around again because that’s how it feels. It feels that way. But then when you can come into the center and know that you’re in alignment with your purpose and you’ve got meaning then that transformation has brought you some depth that wasn’t there before. 

 

So here are some things – this is the way I see Transformation. Transformation can happen to you. It can arise from you. Or because of you. How you allow it to shape you can help ensure its outcomes are for you.

 

I’m going to say that again: How you allow it to shape you can help ensure its outcomes are for you. 

 

And I fully acknowledge that when things are happening in our lives, we don’t always have control of them. Absolutely not. But there might be areas where we do and then let’s hold on tight to those and shape in that way because when everything else is changing that is outside of our control then let’s not miss the opportunities that are there. 

 

So here are some mistakes that people make when they think about transformation. A lot of people I think, mistake change as being the same thing as transformation, right? So here’s the example I always use with my clients. A change is, “I’m gonna have salad for lunch.” Transformation is, “I am becoming the person who craves healthy food.” Just making yourself eat salad is, one it relies on willpower which wanes. There’s probably no joy in that if you have to “make yourself” right? And it’s not a sustainable practice. There’s no shift in thinking or behavior. The routine might have changed but if there’s no fundamental shift in how you’re responding to your cravings, how you’re thinking about your body and your health, how you are behaving then it will not be sustainable. 

 

So think about when you’re like, “Oh, I want to make some changes in my life,” think about that. Are you looking for some changes or are you looking for real transformation? One is really on shakier ground than the other. But to be very honest transformation takes longer and it’s just hard work. But it’s worth it. 

It’s like parenting. Parenting is hard work. But if you do the right thing as much as you can every day over time, it’ll pay off. I say a little bit more about that in episode 158: Growth Zone Goodness, it’s like who are you becoming. And so whenever– it’s just a little side tap here. Whatever thing that you’re not satisfied with, in your life, whether it’s like a relationship or your health or your job, you might want to think about instead like, “What are some changes I can make?” You might want to think about, “Who do I need to become to really enjoy my life? Enjoy my relationship. Enjoy my job. Enjoy where I live.” What sort of shifts, fundamental shifts, need to be made? 

 

All right. So mistaking change for transformation is one mistake people make. The second one is, when we think about Transformation, I always think about that, oh man that former caterpillar and the chrysalis going like, “Dude, I’m bug soup! What?” Really feeling outside of control. But the thing is, in that space, there is something inside. That DNA already knows what is on the other side. And we do have some control when we’re going through big transformation cycles of listening to how we want to be showing up on the other side. And although there might be things that sweep into our lives like a pandemic or unexpected loss or company restructure or unexpected financial impact, those can all be or feel out of control. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have control in how we can mindfully shape it. Where we can have some intention. And like I said, we can’t have full control everywhere but where we do have agency we better use it. Especially when everything else is truly outside of our scope of influence, right? 

 

And if you want to know, just personally, maybe where you’re at in terms of transformation. Check out my website, I have a very quick quiz, 2 minutes: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? People have been taking it, they said it’s fun. The emails that I share afterwards more on the topic, they’ve said are super informative, enlightening, and give great resources. And what I’ve also seen is the accuracy is almost creepy because I know some people very well and where they’re in their life and they’ve taken the quiz and it’s like spot on. Every. Single. Time. So check that out if you haven’t done that already. 

 

So regardless of whether you’ve taken the quiz and know what phase of transformation you’re in, let’s dive into a little bit more. So what one feels like you at the moment when I think about where you are? Are you feeling more like:

1. The status quo is no longer working for you and you know something needs to change. Whether you know what that specific thing is or not. So that’s A. If that sounds like you boom. That’s your point.
2. Change happened. And I have to adjust. And that means whether you need to bounce back from a massive backslide or you have to do a rebuild, right? change happened and I have to adjust. All right if that feels like you then you’re in camp B. 
3. You’re saying, “Hey I want to finally achieve my big goals.” And maybe you’re just in the dreaming and scheming phase or you have been procrastinating forever but you just now deep down you want to achieve some big goals. That is camp C. 

 

So Let’s have a little look based on which one resonated with you. It could be A, which is an Internal Transformation. Where the status quo is no longer working for you. Something needs to change. Internal Transformation. If that’s you, maybe something just feels like it’s missing even though technically nothing is wrong with your life. Maybe your kids are healthy and you’re financially stable but you just feel empty inside. Or maybe you’re bored. You have a good career and nothing’s wrong, but you just are done and want to do something else. Or maybe you feel like you are standing on the sidelines of your life. It could be that you’re the accompanying partner and you’re moving country every two to four years and on the surface, you have a great life but something says, “Hey I just want to take a little bit more of a leading role in my own life.” If those resonate then it’s likely you are going through, internal transformation. So the transformation is led from the inside, out. 

 

For those of you who resonated with B, Camp B, that is External Led Transformation. That means something happened from the outside and it kicked off a transformation process in your own life whether you like it or not and it could be hey a move domestically down the street or internationally, could be the pandemic. Or maybe you need money, it could be that you’ve had a divorce and now you’re single parenting and you need to find a way to replace revenue that was coming into your home. Or empty nest, where you were really fulfilled as a parent and now that your kids are no longer in the home, you feel like you’re sort of out of control because you don’t know what’s next. Those are external led transformations. 

 

Okay, and C is Performance Led. Remember where you want to achieve your big goals and it could be something like starting a podcast, writing a book, maybe earning consistent income, or even retraining as a professional, there’s something inside. Maybe it’s a health goal that you want to reach. Those are performance led transformations. 

So which one are you in A, B, or C? Some of you are saying, “Um, all of the above.” It’s crazy because maybe 1 thing happened. Maybe something happened in your relationship status that was external that you weren’t expecting, that then kicked off some internal transformation, and then it led to a new performance goal, right? This is how transformation works. A lot of times with my clients they come into work with me with one sort of very specific transformation, an internal, external, or performance led, and then while we are working through that process the others merge. Because it’s like once a process gets kicked off, it gets kicked into high gear.

 

So why is that important that we name that? Why is it important that you know whether it’s internal, external, performance led? Because if you are like our dear Mrs. Francis and hanging from the ceiling fan in your cocoon, you kind of want a name for what’s going on. You want to wanna feel like, “Okay, at least I know this is a thing.” And when you know this is the thing, you have language for it and you can go deeper. I don’t know about you but that at least helps me know, “Okay I’m not crazy. I can do this. And I’m not the only one who’s been here,” right? “I’m not the only one who’s had an external event impact your life. I’m not the only one who has these big performance goals. I’m not the only one who’s woken up one day and said, ‘Hey, no dude, can’t do this anymore.’” So it helps you have a shared language. It helps you understand where you are in your own process. 

 

Okay, so now we’re gonna go even deeper. First, let’s just celebrate that you’ve already done the hard work there I think that’s already huge for you. So I’m celebrating that. But now let’s go a little bit deeper. I did promise to really shake it down for you on transformation and I want to make sure you get new ways of looking at it that you’ve never had before. 

 

So now I want you to think about your experience and add another layer of insight to them. I want you to think whether it was anticipated or unexpected. So anticipated would be something like the empty nest you knew that was coming right. Unexpected would be like you were suddenly fired from your job, right? So think about that. Go back and look at all of those transitions that are happening in your life that we talked about last episode. Think about whether those transitions were anticipated or unexpected. 

 

And now I want you to think about the sense of transformation that’s going on in your life, whether it was internally led, externally letter, performance led. Were they anticipated? Or did it feel unexpected? That makes an impact on you. So these transitions that you’re dealing with and if there are 15 of them, half of them could be anticipated the other unexpected. So imagine how that would throw you off. Especially when you’ve intentionally set some things in your life into transition and all of a sudden these other things are added to your plate, unexpectedly. 

 

Okay, the next layer in thinking is, I want you to think about whether something is welcome or unwelcome. Welcome or unwelcome. So welcome, I don’t know, there would be like a sudden windfall of money. Or maybe if I got a huge wave of interest in business for my company, that would be welcome. It would be maybe overwhelming if it all came in too fast or too big, but it would definitely be welcome. 

 

And then unwelcome could be something like your beloved spouse leaving you, that would be unwelcome. Or you are told that your contract won’t be renewed. Or maybe you have to leave your apartment because the landlord is coming back in. So welcome versus unwelcome and the reason why that is important to name is exactly like what we did last week with if we can just look at the reality of our situation and see it for what it is, we can do so from a much more informed place. And that might be one of empathy, like, “Wow, Honey, you’ve got a lot of unexpected and unwelcome things going on right now.” That can be helping with empathy. Or it could be like, “You know what? You’ve been focusing on the negative.” Yes, that’s one thing that’s unwelcome but look at all these other things that you anticipated and are welcome. So it can help recalibrate things for you energetically.

 

All right. Welcome, unwelcome. You might need other categories like Neutral, where it’s just like a fact. Maybe it’s something like your department is restructuring. You’re gonna keep your job but you’re just gonna have to show up in new ways. So that’s just a fact. Or maybe it’s mixed. Mixed could be something like you’ve been abroad for 15 years and now you’re going back to your passport country. So you’re saying goodbye to the end of some really amazing things and you are starting some really hard things.

 

So think about where you’re at right now and what those dimensions feel like in your life, whether it’s anticipated or unexpected, welcome or unwelcome, neutral or mixed. 

 

Or maybe you just need to give yourself some self-compassion and get through tomorrow. That’s it. Don’t worry about some big long-term goal out there right now if everything is unwelcome and unanticipated. It’s just about like getting to the next hour, just adding a tiny bit of joy or reducing a little suffering today, right? 

 

And if you’re going through a phase of life where everything is welcome and expected and you’re feeling guilty because you’re struggling, you still need to give yourself credit to say, hey, you know what? No matter. Even if I expected this and I did welcome this into my life,  you’re still human. You still need to build resilience to match the level of performance or energy that this life is asking of you. 

 

So that’s really important and that’s why I ask you to just think about that about the welcome and anticipated, or unwelcome, unanticipated, so you can give yourself a little self-compassion. It’s also literally just a reality check. It’s just naming what is. It’s just naming what is. And that’s why it matters. It matters for you so you could really see what you are navigating for what it is. Stop sugarcoating it or stop dramatizing it or stop ignoring it. Black and white. Put it out there. Name it to qualify it so that you can just accept what it is and then from that place of acceptance, it doesn’t mean you want to keep patterns going. It’s saying, “Okay I see what is, now where do I have control to shape things?”

 

And it matters with your loved ones when you can do this with someone that you love and understand where they are, it helps you understand them and what they’re navigating and how that might impact their own ambitions and responses and behaviors and all that. So It matters, it matters.

 

All right, big topic, right? Big topic but it’s so central to everything that I do around Ambitious Transformation in Transition. It’s so central to any time I work with someone who says, “Status quo is not where I want to be and I need to get from here to somewhere else.” This sort of mindset is important to move forward with constructive healthy mindsets and behaviors that see the whole thing, the whole picture. 

 

All right. I’m sure by now you can see that this isn’t about change, like a quick fix. It’s about something much bigger and that when you’re able to look at that, you can see how you can make an impact on your life for good. that we’re not a victim to all of our life circumstances, while some things might be very well out of our control, there might be windows where we do have some space and capacity to have control or power or exercise our agency. 

 

So when you reflect on the shifts that are going on with you I want you to think about it like how satisfied are you with the direction that they’re going? When you look at how you’re navigating things are you like, “Ah meh. It’s okay.” Or are you super upset because it’s not going well and you want to like pull in the ropes a bit to get a little bit of control back? Or are you like, “Yes!” Celebrating because everything you feel super empowered. You’ve got energy. You’ve got focus and vision. You feel supported by others. It helps you see the spectrum of where you are. And most people that I work with or I’m in community with are in that sort of space of, “Hey things aren’t that bad. But I know they could be better and I want to put in the work to make them better.” Other people are like, “Hey I have such an opportunity here with these things that are good. I don’t want to waste it. I want to optimize it. And there are other people who are like, “Whoa, this is so much. I can’t do this on my own, let’s do this together so that I can shape the way forward without drowning.” 

 

So it really depends on where people are. There’s no judgment on where someone is, that any one of those is a very normal phase of transformation. It’s just good to know where you are at and what sort of support you might need. 

 

Okay, so now I want you to think about: How can you use this idea about intentionally shaping your transformation? Again where possible. How would you like to see things take shape? 

 

And this is how you can actually influence your transformation. Okay, so I’m gonna give you a couple of prompts. Listen, I’ve got so much depth on this, I’m not going to touch on all of it right now because it would be way too overwhelming but I’m going to do 1 or 2 things. It goes very much back to my definition of transformation, a fundamental shift in thinking, behavior, routine, response, character condition, composition, or structure. So it’s too much to be able to go in right now. I’m gonna give you just a taste. 

 

So I want you to think about one of the shifts and then I’m gonna have you think about what is the current state of that thing and how would you like it to be instead. So we’re gonna go from current state to desired state, desired shift. So let’s start with one really really important one and that’s how you’re thinking. 

 

So as you know, what we think actually biochemically kicks off a response in our bodies which then creates emotions.

 

So thinking impacts our biochemistry and creates emotions. So how we think impacts our emotions and then those emotions create behaviors, and those behaviors over time obviously impact the quality of our life and what we create in our life. 

 

So let’s look at thinking just about yourself right now. So when you think about where you’re at with your challenge that you’re facing in the transformation that has got you hanging from the ceiling fan, what’s going on? What are you really believing about yourself? So maybe, Mrs. Francis is thinking, “You know what? Just not cut out for this. I don’t got it in me. I can’t do this.” Which we’ve all been there. We’ve all been there if but if you’re thinking that imagine then that gives you emotions like feeling defeated. Feeling sad. Feeling disappointed. And then of course you don’t take any action if you’re already defeated, why start? So what I want you to imagine, is you have a column with your current state of thinking and then what would you write into the other column of your desired shift in thinking.

 

So if I were Mrs. Francis hanging up there from that ceiling fan and I’m thinking “I’m not cut out for it.” Another way of thinking, a shift that could help her would be, “I can learn new things. I’ve learned new things in the past I can learn new things now.” When I even just say that in my body *heavy sigh* I just feel more powerful. I feel more confident and I’m not even Mrs. Francis hanging from the ceiling fan. You know what  I mean? It physically impacts our body. So get really clear. If you need to pause this podcast or print out the download that we have for the transcript and capture it for you, do that. Because this is could really pivot the way that you’re moving through this big transformation. 

 

So thinking from, “I’m not cut out for this,” to, “I can learn new things.” 

 

That’s the shift. And then think about behaviors. So how are you behaving? Very, very, important towards yourself. So with your current state, maybe you’re the person who says, “Oh well. Honestly, I’m drinking an extra glass of wine and I’m skipping my workouts because I’m stressed.” That’s the behavior that’s going on right now in this transformation, how you’re responding for maybe something external. What would be the desired shift? We don’t know how to get there yet but what would be the desired shift?

Well maybe what you want to be doing is just cut down on one of those nights where you aren’t drinking wine and watching Netflix but you’re actually taking an evening walk. That would be the shift how we’re gonna bribe you to get there, how we’re gonna create conditions that are going to make it possible for you to make that shift, that is the how that we could look at together. But that’s the first step, is naming that shift. You want to go from a couple of glasses of wine, skipping workouts, to one evening walk that is Netflix and wine-free. It’s a way to begin. 

 

So we talked about in terms of transformation that shift in our thinking and our behavior those are 2 really big spots that people begin to make an impact on their lives. We’ve got all kinds of other things that people can look at like our routines, around our health, our family, maybe the way we’re responding to people. It could be even the condition of your home, or your relationships etcetera. 

 

So we’re only gonna do one or two more so I don’t overwhelm you. Think about one that’s often overlooked is think about the composition of your social circle. You have your people. They are the people in your WhatsApp. They’re the people on Facebook. They’re the people on Instagram. They’re the people that are in your neighborhood. Think about the composition of your social circle and we want to think about what the current state is and what would be the desired shift? 

 

So with the pandemic for a lot of people, there could be some relationships that are limited or even neglected. And you can’t blame anybody for that. But maybe right now you’re feeling like you’ve neglected connection with some of the closest people that you’ve got because you’ve kind of isolated yourself or you’ve had to isolate, right? That could be the current state. But if you want to go to desired shift, you ask yourself, what would have to happen for me to nurture my social circle or even have my social circle feel more expansive? Even if you’re isolated physically in your home if you have access to a computer, there are ways that you can nurture and expand your social circle. So that is how, when we’re looking at this process of shaping your transformation, we are social creatures. We need people to build our resilience, that’s how resilience is built, in community. It would be important to have a shift in your social circle so you might be going from one that’s neglected, to one that is nurtured. And then again that question that emerges is, “How do I get there? How do I go from isolating and neglected to nurturing?” And it’s just one step at a time. 

 

Okay, as I said I could go on but it gives you an idea on, actually we have a lot of opportunities to shape our transformation I only went into 10% here. There’s a lot more. But only the ones I’ve talked about have massive potential, just with those one question each that I asked. To shift your experience and the outcome of the transformation. It can’t fundamentally redirect it or make it not happen, but it can shape it in a way that feels loving and more healthy and get back some feeling of control where you can.

 

So I’m curious. What did you notice as we reviewed these aspects? What themes emerged for you that you saw? And how did it make you feel when you looked at the shifts that could be possible for you to shape your transformation? 

 

The outcome of transformation whether it’s internal or external performance led can, to some extent be shaped by your thinking your responses and your choices. That we’re not a victim of all of our external circumstances and that matters. That matters because there’s so much in our lives that are already out of control. We know that transition is constant. So gotta get them over that one already. So we do want to be able to shape our transitions our transformation where we can. And because our happiness and our fulfillment and our health matter. And if we can shape our experience even in the tough of times then we’ve done well. And that ultimately, we need to do that to build our resilience for the long haul and work on what we can shape so that we can stay strong and show up in the world in the ways that we want to. 

 

So that’s why transformation matters. It goes way beyond the caterpillar and its surrender to nature and emerging as a butterfly. And it’s more about accepting the process to make sure that we’re creating the most optimal conditions for the butterfly or moth, by the way, to fight its way out and emerge like ready to fly. So this has been a big day just like last week where we talked about being in transit. Transformation is a massive topic. We’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how we do that. And what it looks like but it’s important to me that we get on the same page and to offer you new ways to look at transformation so that you can, one have language for it. Be able to see what you’re going through and three be able to discover an opportunity to shape one or two important things, even when things are feeling out of control.

 

And remember, if you haven’t taken the Quiz: Which Phase of Transformation Are You In? Don’t miss it. It’s 2 minutes it’s fun, it’s on my website, take a look. Next week I will dive into Ambition. Remember Ambitious Transformation in Transit. We’re gonna look at ambition next week, what people get wrong and how this all ties in with transformation and transition. Ways of looking at it that no one else is talking about. So I’m really looking forward to that. 

 

You’ve been listening to IN TRANSIT with Sundae Bean, steady advice in an unsteady world. Thank you for listening. I’ll leave you with a quote I stumbled over from The Mind’s Journal: “I had to make you uncomfortable, otherwise you would have never moved the universe.”