How many times has someone complimented a picture of you that you felt was unflattering? You see the photo and think: “I hate my thighs – look at that cellulite. Ugh, is that bump on my nose getting bigger? And what’s with the squinty, pirate eye? Delete.”
Okay, so there’s a list of everything you dislike about yourself, in what was likely a magical moment. (People generally only take pictures to capture a milestone or when they’re having fun. No one breaks out the camera when picking up the dry cleaning.)
But in reality, I bet there are more things that you like about yourself than the few that monopolize your line-of-sight. Perhaps your legs are strong and can dance anyone under the table. Maybe your skin always looks flawless, your hair spirals effortlessly right out of the shower, or your smile casts a light that can be seen from outer space.
This is an example of rejection of self vs. acceptance of self, and it’s just one of the 10 concepts that keep you from feeling whole.
Get ready because I’m ON FIRE about the epiphany I’m divulging this week, and it’s going to cause a seismic disruption to stale ways of thinking. We’re going to use an imaginary board and move the magnets to where you are on the spectrum in 10 critical aspects of your life. Then, we’ll dive into the power of +1.
What You’ll Learn in this Episode:
- When the heart swells
- Happy 2nd Birthday Expats on Purpose
- Championing a forceful, unusual opinion
- Combating “creative solution” fatigue
- Seeking outside inspiration
Listen to the Full Episode
Featured on the Show:
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- Sundae’s Facebook Business Page – Sundae Schneider-Bean LLC
- Sundae’s Facebook Group – Expats on Purpose
- Sundae’s September Summit – Join now
- Year of Transformation – Join now
- Episode 190 Guide – Get it here
- Expat Happy Hour – Episode 159: Bending Reality
- Expat Happy Hour – Episode 84: The bitter PTA president
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hello. It is 07:00 am in New York, 1:00 pm in Johannesburg and 6:00 pm in Bangkok. Welcome to the Expat Happy Hour. This is Sundae Schneider-Bean from www.sundaebean.com. I am a solution-orientated coach and intercultural strategist for individuals and organizations. I am on a mission to help you adapt and succeed when living abroad and get you through any life transition.
Today is a very special day. Here’s why.
[A birthday song plays]
Whoops, okay, so I picked out some music from the free music archives and I went through fifteen different songs that were super hokey to pick one out for you. And the one that I started to sample sounded okay until it went through to the F-bomb. So I’m going to ask my producer to bleep that out.
But it does kick up a special celebration that Expats on Purpose, my free Facebook Community, is turning two this week. We have been around for two years and that is something I really want to celebrate. I’ve got a whole in-depth episode for you today on something I’ve never shared before. But I have a ton of goodies to share on new things that are coming up in celebration of the second year of Expats on Purpose.
So here’s the thing, let me just tell you quickly about the celebration and what’s coming up and then I’m going to deep dive into what I’ve never shared before. This is like, this is huge, and then I’ll dive in there and tell you again if you want more, where you can go. But let’s just start with celebrating for those of you who know my work, you know that I really believe celebrating is an important practice, that celebrating is simply noticing. It’s noticing steps that you’ve taken, its noticing progress, It’s noticing how you’re showing up in the world.
And I’m celebrating two years of Expats on Purpose because we are over 2K. So two years and we’re over 2K of people, that means in two years we have at least 2100 people who have come together and they are connected by this idea of living abroad on purpose, living abroad with intention. Living abroad intentionally to make an impact in their lives, their health, their relationships, their loved ones far away and in the communities and the causes that mean the most to me or to them.
So here’s the thing, that is 2100 people, imagine the collective impact that’s possible and it is an honor, honor, honor, honor to me that these 2100 plus people have chosen my little home of Expats on Purpose as a cozy space on the internet to hang out. And my hope is that they’ll get, and you’ll get some inspiration and it’ll create a ripple effect for you to go out and make that impact that you’re craving for your life and for the causes that you believe in the communities that you’re trying to impact.
So I am celebrating you for the two years of spending time in Expats on Purpose. If you’re a listener of Expat Happy Hour and you haven’t yet checked out Expats on Purpose, do. Because it is a community vastly diverse, from all over the world representing lots of cultural diversity, religious diversity, ways of living that are very diverse. But everyone is attracted to this idea of being on purpose and that’s wonderful.
So we are similar and different at the same time. So check us out if you haven’t done that. I’ll make sure that’s in the show notes and because I love birthdays and because I love to celebrate, I’m going to be celebrating all September, every week. They’ll be another thing that I’m doing inside Expats on Purpose so you can add value.
There are some workshops coming up on purpose and direction, there is a week-long series on giving back, that’s going to be happening. So don’t miss it. One of the workshops that we’ll be doing in September is very connected to this new idea that I’m going to present today and I’m so excited about it. I’ve got butterflies, so I’ll dive right in there and tell you but let me tell you about the series that we’ve got coming up in September.
Featuring real-life stories, real people that have been my clients in Year of Transformation and they’re going to do the talking for me. They’re going to share how they’ve made an impact in their own life and the lives of others through their work and how Year of Transformation helped them get there. So I don’t want you to hear it from me. I want you to hear it from them and people just like you, exactly where you’re at now, or how you’re feeling right now, they were there a year ago.
And they’re in vastly different places now, so I’ll be sharing that along the way in September as well. And if you’re curious about that, you can always check out the show notes, check out the September series, I’ve got linked for the webinars and the special series on Expats on Purpose, and also check out Year of Transformation. Okay. So let’s dive in, I’m still kind of recovering from that song you guys. Okay, let’s dive into this thing that I’m really excited about. I’ll just give you a little back story. So I was a bit in transition for six months because of COVID-19.
I’m really at the end of the six months, the last 10 days until I hopefully go back to South Africa and along the way I’ve been in multiple cities. I think I’ve slept in five or six beds and multiple regions throughout Switzerland to allow my children and my family to connect with the people that they love and for us to spend time with our friends and family while we’re still working.
I remember there was one night where I fell asleep on my air mattress because that’s how glamorous my life is in transition, and I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart literally hurt. It was as if it had grown three sizes larger than my body is used to and for some reason, I had this deep sense of loneliness, and maybe it’s because this year I didn’t make it home to see my mom and dad. They’re over 70 and that’s what makes living abroad okay – being able to be with my family every summer.
Haven’t seen my sister, my brother in over a year, my aunties and uncles, and it’s really one of the highlights of my year, and that night I woke up, I think my heart woke me up. And I had this epiphany and it created crystal clear clarity on something that I’ve witnessed for years, but I had no words for it yet. And I’m going to share that for the first time with you today. This is the very first time I’m sharing this publicly and there’s something really important here and that’s why when I share it with you and I just want to say right now, this is a work in process.
I’m going to share with you today and as I go, as I develop it, I will keep you in the loop on how it changes. I’m going to call it Sundae Bean’s Scale of Wholeness. And here’s what it looks like.
When my heart was so swollen, it woke me up. I had this image of a scale and loneliness was on one side and connected was on the other. And if I had a scale and I had let’s say a magnet on that scale and it was thinking about how I missed my Mom and Dad, how I felt lonely for them, and not connected either because all we’ve been doing is sending one or two DMS to each other like “here’s what I had for lunch” or “here’s I a funny GIF”, like not a lot of connection. So loneliness is on the other side of connection.
And then the dimension started coming to me, one, by one, by one, by one and at the end, I realized that’s what we’re all looking for is wholeness. So here are the ten dimensions and when we’re talking about the search for more purpose and meaning it’s actually the entrance into the entire conversation of wholeness. So I’m going to share with you the dimensions, I’m going to tell you what I first thought of and how I corrected myself and where I think this is going.
Lonely vs Connected
Okay, so we’ve got lonely on a scale. Lonely is on the left and connected is on the right. I want you in your heart right now to think about how lonely or connected you feel. Where does that magnet slide on the scale? Is it more towards the left, more towards loneliness, and more towards connected? Just put that in your mind right now. That’s one point on the scale.
Empty vs Meaningful
The next line underneath that is another scale. And on the left is empty then the right is meaningful. Again, when you think about your interactions, let’s say over WhatsApp or how you greet people or moments with your children or time with your partner or even moments with yourself? Where does it feel on the scale more towards empty, more or more towards meaningful? It could be somewhere in the middle.
Insecurity vs Security
Okay, now we’ve got two dimensions of this whole picture: lonely and connected, empty and meaningful next one is insecurity, security who with COVID this has probably pushed some people’s magnets on the scale. Where you might have lived with a ton of security, financial security, job security, security politically, health security. Now, it might be moving towards insecurity in ways that you’ve never experienced before. So I want you to look at that scale. Left is insecurity, right is security. Put your magnet on that scale. Where is that? Slide all the way down to insecurity for the very first time in your life? Or is it inching back towards security six months on? Where is that for you?
Right. So you notice we have three things already. We’ve got lonely and connected, empty and meaningful, and insecurity and security. And you all your magnets might be on one side or they might be in different spots. There’s no right or wrong answer here. It’s just noticing.
Stagnation vs Growth
The next one is stagnation on the left and growth on the right. If you’re having a hard time following around in your head. I’m going to create a guide and you can go to the show notes and download the guide and do this on a piece of physical paper so that you can see as we do it along. But if you’re driving or you can’t print out something right now or look at it right now just follow along with me and you can catch up with the transcript in the show notes later.
So imagine stagnation is on one side and growth is on the other. Now stagnation would feel like you haven’t sought outside inspiration in a long time or maybe you haven’t invested in your learning at all. I don’t think that you’re going to get a zero right now because if you’re listening to Expat Happy Hour, you probably have been doing something to seek outside inspiration, or you wouldn’t be here right now.
And then growth is on the right. So, where are you? Where would you put this magnet on the scale between stagnation and growth?
All right, maybe you used to have a huge growth phase, and now it’s slowed down. Or maybe because of everything going on you feel like you’re no longer stagnant and you’re growing at a rate that almost feels scary. That’s the fourth dimension.
Unwell vs Fit
The fifth dimension is unwell versus fit. Super general scale. I want you to define it as it means to you, but generally, and I’ll tell you why I’ve picked this. People that I work with, come to me feeling somewhere on the scale between unwell and fit. They might feel emotionally unwell, or they might feel physically unwell and they want to move toward fit. More mentally fit, or more physically fit, more fit, somehow connected to their physical well-being. So just think where you are right now. Unwell to fit, doesn’t have to be sick.
It just might be you know, not as active as you want to be. You’re not treating your body as well as you should, maybe drinking too much or not eating carefully. Unwell to fit. Put that on the scale for you. I know that during COVID times the way we used to take care of ourselves might not work very well. So now you’re trying to find new ways and maybe you’re just tired of trying to find a creative solution and let that slip. So unwell to fit, go ahead and put that magnet on the scale for you to see where you’re at.
All right. We’re about halfway through. How are you doing so far? Is this already feeling like a lot, five things to think about? Believe me, it is worth it. This is worth it because this idea is seriously the answer to something really big that I think people are asking questions too. But they’re getting it, they’re answering it from the wrong direction and I’ll tell you more about that in a second, but pay attention. These layers are important.
Rejecting reality vs Accepting reality
The next one is rejecting reality on the left and accepting reality is on the right. So I’ve done a podcast called Bending Reality and this is important because if you are rejecting reality, if you are pretending like you can somehow get more than 24 hours in a day or you reject the fact that your body actually needs sleep or you reject the fact that you can’t focus nine hours straight without a break or rejecting reality that connection isn’t something that’s given, it’s something that’s worked at. Whatever reality you’re rejecting that causes stress.
So where are you between rejecting reality and accepting reality? Where is the magnet on the scale? And again, I just want to be really clear. You’ll learn in a second that there’s really no judgment here, might feel like it but there’s no judgment on where you’re at the scale. So really be free. Put it where it feels right on the scale because we’ll see more at the end what that really means and how it’s important to know where you are.
So rejecting reality or accepting reality. So for example for me, when I think about rejecting reality versus accepting reality, I was struggling because there’s a workshop I want to create with a really wonderful institution and it’s due by September 3rd and I looked at my calendar and I’m booked. I don’t know how I’m going to get the time to truly put in the work to have this high-quality content, but I want to give this institution.
I was really frustrated with myself. Like how did you let that happen? How come you can’t find these 6 hours and what I realized is, I mean my repatriation flight is coming up and it took away a day or two of working time for travel. I realized I have been functioning like a normal business for six months while being in transition, while being in multiple locations while homeschooling my kids, and I really haven’t had to postpone anything.
I haven’t had to work overtime or late nights or on the weekends. And it’s like in that moment, I was like “wow Sundae, you’re in the middle of a pandemic and you’re now mad at yourself because you are in a little bit of a clinch because you need to find 4 to 6 hours in your day that you don’t have.” As if I’m operating in totally normal circumstances. In fact, I should celebrate that this is the first time in six months, I’ve had a dilemma.
It’s almost like I was rejecting the reality of COVID in relation to my schedule. So put that on the scale where you are.
Rejection of self vs Acceptance of self
The next one is the rejection of self versus the acceptance of self and rejection of self is both the positive and the negative. How much do you truly accept the positive of you and the negative? What I’ve noticed with my clients is they are quick to accept what they don’t like about themselves and very slow to accept what is amazing about them and that’s important in our work. So, where are you? Rejection of self, the positive and negative sides, or acceptance of yourself positive and negative. Where are you on that scale?
Aimless vs Direction
Okay, just a couple more to go. The third to the last one is aimless and direction. Think about your life, are you “do do do do do” but you don’t know for what? What are you creating? Where are all your efforts going? Do you have a direction?
Are you feeling aimless, but you’re exhausted and you’ve got tons to do during the day but at the end, you don’t know for what? So if that’s the case you put aimless on the left and on the right you put direction and then put that magnet somewhere in the scale where it feels right for you.
Hiding your real self vs Showing your real self
Okay, second to last one is are you hiding your real self or you showing your real self? So you might be the one who has a strong opinion about something but you’re not sharing it in a group of people that you like, but don’t know if they believe the same. Maybe there are some wishes and desires you have but you haven’t dared voice them in your family yet. Are you hiding your real self or you showing your real self? Where are you on the scale here on the left being very much hiding your real self on the right showing your real self.
Argue on default vs Argue on purpose
And then finally argue on default or on purpose. So default is what we’re doing is we’re completely operating from a place of habit and we’re without intention and on purpose is we are doing the things that are intentional and are building towards what’s most important to you. And you see how this is now connected to the empty and meaningful direction.
One is on purpose which one is with intention that is meaningful and clearly intentional when you’re saying yes to it. This goes back to my podcast on A Clean Yes and A Dirty Yes. That’s the episode with the bitter PTA president or is it default? You just say yes to everything or you just say no to everything but it’s not with intention. It’s more out of habit. So here’s the thing, these are massive right and there are a lot of them.
But the reason why this is important is when you find yourself off, oftentimes, I find people who come to me that are looking for more purpose and meaning. What they’re really looking for is balance on this scale of wholeness. What people really want is to feel whole but we don’t talk about wholeness. In fact when I woke up in the middle of the night and this dawned on me, that word, it just consumed me and it felt nourishing.
Purpose sometimes feels like it’s very young energy, drive, go, aim, like we’re always away from it. We’re always running toward it but wholeness is different. Wholeness is like this deep breath and just being in our body and looking for balance and that’s why there are so many dimensions. I’ve listed 10 here and of course, you can swap out a dimension. Maybe one is more important to you than the other or maybe you have a new one that you would put in or take away another.
But in the big picture, when I work with my clients on the Year of Transformation, they might come to me looking for more purpose and meaning, but to get there, to move through the process of transformation, truly means, moving the dial on these 10 dimensions. And when we move the dial on these 10 dimensions, so it feels just right for you, you find that moment of wholeness,
And in that moment of wholeness, you feel transformed. Transformation comes from:
- The commitment of adding more meaning in your life.
- Creating connection.
- Finding security where it’s possible.
- Engaging in a level of growth that feels nourishing.
- Creating more fitness in your life when you’re unwell.
- Accepting reality yet working towards goals that are in your heart.
- Accepting yourself, but working on yourself.
- Having direction but holding it lightly so you can see what new things come in.
- Sharing yourself authentically.
- Mindful of moving away from default and creating more “on purpose.”
That is what’s missing from the conversation on purpose. That is what’s missing from how transformation really happens. And now you’ve got it at your fingertips. I have to be honest, when I first thought of this I quickly grabbed up my journal and I scratched out the ten dimensions. I put the scales down and then I put a dotted line box toward the right side of the scales.
So if we move toward meaningful, toward connected, toward growth, etc. All of that. all of it goes towards the right, we’re going to be more whole. So I wanted to tell you, in the beginning, was if you move all of your magnets toward the right you’re going to be whole. And then I realized I was in a conversation with a really good friend of mine, that was wrong. In fact, when we get too focused on one thing, we might miss out on the other! We get too rigid. So in fact, if I was going to put that dotted line box and capture wholeness, probably put it in the middle.
But broad, give you some space because it’s wholeness, it’s not rigidity. I’ll give you an example from my own life. I call myself a growth junkie. I love learning and growing, it’s one of my core values: connection, growth, and playfulness are three of my core values. And I was speaking to one of my mentors and I’m like “whoa right now. I am on a growth curve.” I am working to create anti-racist practices in my organization and on myself.
Up leveling my coaching and working at growing my business. “I’m a, I’m a, I’m a” and she looks at me and she says, “you know Sundae, there are some weeds that grow themselves to death.” And I realized that too much growth can also throw you off balance. Too much fitness and it gets unhealthy. Too much of accepting reality and you stop taking charge of your life. Too much accepting of your positive and negative and you stop working to improve yourself. Any too much of any of these things, on either side, can cause stagnation and rigidity.
So instead of prescribing a place on the scale for you. I want you as a next step to go through these 10 dimensions and just reflect for you. Where are you now? And which direction do you want to move? Just plus one, to feel more whole. What are the first two dimensions that you want to focus on? To promote a life for you that feels more purposeful and meaningful and helps you take that step towards wholeness.
If you’ve listened to me before, you know, what I’m going to say, I always want you to look at your life. Where do you have control? That’s about empowerment. Where do you have urgency? Where can you change something in your life and grasp more, so that it suits you better? And what do you have to let go of because it’s not yours to control? Like when you’re having struggles in your relationship and you realize you’ve been trying to fix it all. But like Ty Gibson says, “You are responsible for a hundred percent of your 50.”
And you’ve been trying to control their 50. Where do you have to let go? Maybe your salary is fixed and your finances are insecure so you can’t control your salary just now. But you can control how you manage your finances. That is that essence, I want you to think about when you do this scale of wholeness. So there you go. This is a brand new idea. It is really pulling back the curtain and sharing with you what we really work on in the Year of Transformation.
So that by the time they’re done, they’ve got clarity on how they can show up in their lives for them and others with more purpose and meaning. And not be starving for more purpose and meaning. But knowing that as they are now, they’re whole and when things get off, they’ve got strategies to adjust those magnets. Just one or two steps on that scale. They also have crystal clarity even though they might not have the language for it of what area of their life they need to tweak.
So there you have it. I want to hear from you about this idea of wholeness. Does this land in your body like it lands in mine? It just feels so nutritious. Whole! What I love about German and Swiss bread, they call it vollkornbrot. It’s like full, rich grain bread rather than that squishy white sweetheart bread from the United States, that might leave you feeling hungry.
And the beautiful part about it is that you have so many areas you could begin. There are ten things here. You could start anywhere. You’ll be making a contribution towards wholeness and don’t get me wrong when I say wholeness, it doesn’t mean that you’re not whole. You are perfect the way you are. You are a full whole being, that’s not what I mean at all, I’m talking about how you experience wholeness and what you can do to experience your wholeness more fully.
There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not broken. There are just areas in your life that you can step into, to experience wholly. so my intention for you today was to present this, so you have something to grasp, something to hold onto, and you can see that there is a possibility for movement and it’s self-defined. You look at this scale of wholeness and you see that the scale goes in both directions and you get to create balance.
What does wholeness mean for you? How do you feel whole? What’s healthy for you in your context, at your rhythm, your tempo? This is exciting for me to share with you. I want to hear back from you. So if you’re listening to this podcast and you got it through my newsletter just hit reply and tell me what you think. If you do the guide and there are some aha moments, I want you to send me an email and tell me about it.
If you’re in Expats on Purpose also, hop into a post and share with me because this is something I am excited about and I’m just getting started. Actually, it’s been going on for years, I just finally have the names for it. Okay, and if you’re curious about Year of Transformation and you want to consider going on this journey of moving those scales together, and really working towards wholeness, check out the application for Year of Transformation.
They are opening up. I usually have this limited to 10 individuals. Spots fill fast, and I am accepting the applications until the 24th of September or when they fill out first. Get your application in fast and let’s hop on a call so we can see if it’s the right fit for you. Don’t forget. I’m not going to play that birthday song again, but it’s the second birthday party of Expats on Purpose and I am in the mood to celebrate. So all of September we’re going to be celebrating two years of Expats on Purpose by having something special every week in the form of workshops and all week features about giving back.
You can check that out in the show notes as well. Stay tuned all month long because I am on fire and in the next coming podcast, you’ll see that as well because we’re going to be talking about the difference between change and transformation and how you can know whether you need more direction or not. So stay tuned. We’ve got a lot going on.
This is Sundae Schneider Bean and you’ve been listening to Expat Happy Hour. Thank you for listening. I’ll leave you with the words of Carl Jung, “Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being but by integration of the contraries.”